Sweaty Ass Cheeks

I'm going to India with my friend Ray. Ray is a high school teacher, and a retired teacher/part-time travel agent is arranging the trip for teachers and their friends and family. I met Ray in Hebrew school when I was in 6th grade, and we've been chums ever since. She still lives in the 'burbs of Chicago, though, so I do not get to see her as often as I would like. I'm almost as excited to be spending a full week with her in general as I am to be spending it with her in India.

It's going to be hot while we are in India, so I decided that I should buy a jeans skirt this weekend to take on the trip. Easier said than done. I went to the Filene's Basement and the Gap. Next, against my better judgment, I tried Banana Republic. I discovered that the Ann Taylor with the petite department closed. (Curses! I shake my fist at you, whoever is responsible for this.) I crossed the threshold at Urban Outfitters and Express.

All of these places sold jeans skirts. However, with the exception of the Gap (which had a knee length skirt for the "bargain" price of $58 – no thanks), they were only mini skirts. Mini skirts that in some cases would not have even fully covered my ass cheeks. I asked the sales lady at Express what was up with this evilness.

"It's what's in style now," she patiently explained.

"Yeah, well some of us have fat thighs that we don't want people staring at," I said glumly.

She shrugged. That pretty much sums up the situation.

Oh, the Nerdiness!

Husband and haven been watching The History Channel's presentation on The Dark Ages for the last 90 minutes. I just love history. The Dark Ages are fascinating. I actually feel slightly better about the world situation these days in comparison. I could watch these types of educational programs for days on end. Or CSI. I love that too and Husband and watched four episodes of that last night.

Yeah, it's been an exciting weekend.

Gonna Laugh that Anxiety Right Out of My Head

Last night I had one of my regular Sunday night anxiety attacks where I couldn't sleep because I was obsessively worrying about topics ranging from everything I need to do this week to the state of the world. Except that last night was Saturday, not Sunday. Hopefully, this means that I got it all out of my system and I'll sleep tonight instead. Yeah.

Anyway, to cheer myself up, I decided to scan in some funny things that I have been meaning to share for a while. I hope you find them as chuckle-licious as I do. (To enlarge, click on an image.)This is a postcard that I recently received from the delightful Count Mockula. This is from the front of a 2006 Halloween card that my parents sent me. This was on the back of the card, but I cut it out and pasted it on the front for scanning purposes. Oh man, it cracks me up. Hence I saved it for months so that it could be scanned. My mom always sends me hilarious little cards for secondary holidays. They always brighten my day.This is a card that Steph gave us a year and a half ago for our 5th anniversary. Not too many people would appreciate this type of card for an anniversary, but that is why Husband and I are perfect for each other. Insert your own "jewish pussy" joke here.

This is only a portion of my large collection of things to be scanned in. Stay tuned for the beaver birthday card segment.

The Kindness of Strangers

It's not often that I have occasion to gawk at something really awesome that a perfect stranger does. Usually my jaw drops in disgust/annoyance/rage at people's rudeness/stupidity/asinine-ness. So it was an extra level of surprised delight that we discovered at dinner last night that the guy sitting at the table next to us in the restaurant randomly picked up our tab when he paid his own.

When I say "we," I mean Dr. H, Dr. P, Dr. P's friend Dr. A, Husband, Brother-in-Law, Future Sister-in-Law, Big O, and me. We had a big, delicious Cuban meal with lots of appetizers. The table next to us consisted of a party of three. They drank at least two bottles of wine. I actually worried at a few points that we were being too loud and annoying them. I guess not.

Upon learning that our check had been paid, we were amazed at how nice a perfect stranger could be. Unfortunately, they were long gone by then, and for the second Friday in a row, I didn't thank people who had taken care of me. Whoever you are (and at one point I semi-irrationally decided the man was Francis Ford Coppola), we send many thanks your way and feel humbled. Now it is our turn to do something good for someone.

Sort of Like the US in Iraq, No?

From the New York Times online:

Swiss Accidentally Invade Liechtenstein

ZURICH, Switzerland (AP) -- What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein.

According to Swiss daily Blick, the 170 infantry soldiers wandered 2 kilometers (1.2 miles) across an unmarked border into the tiny principality early Thursday before realizing their mistake and turning back.

A spokesman for the Swiss army confirmed the story but said that there were unlikely to be any serious repercussions for the mistaken invasion.

"We've spoken to the authorities in Liechtenstein and it's not a problem," Daniel Reist told The Associated Press.

Officials in Liechtenstein also played down the incident.

Interior ministry spokesman Markus Amman said nobody in Liechtenstein had even noticed the soldiers, who were carrying assault rifles but no ammunition. ''It's not like they stormed over here with attack helicopters or something,'' he said.

Liechtenstein, which has about 34,000 inhabitants and is slightly smaller than Washington DC, doesn't have an army.

If only all invasions were so easily resolved.

Can You Detect the Sarcasm?

This email came to be through BlogHer a few days ago:

Forgive me for being hopelessly naive or impossibly unsophisticated...I am by nature both...but doesn't the answer to the question of "to shave" or
"not to shave" depend largely on the owner of the snatch?

What a fantastic question! Clearly, I have never pondered this dilemma before. Thank you for bringing it to my attention, Groovy Dave. Your cleverly passive-aggressive way of pointing out the flaws in my judgmental thinking have changed my entire outlook on life. What would I ever do without such insightful and clever people like you?

Undone-The Sweater Song (Weezer)

It was a Saturday evening. I was in college. We were going to a fraternity party. John's fraternity was throwing the party. I knew it was going to be an awesome evening. John and I had been together for three months and I believed we were in love. We were the power couple of the university and everyone that was anyone knew who we were. We had both been busy with Rush week and midterms; we had not seen each other in a few days. I knew John had been immersed in school and greek life, but tonight was going to be an evening to remember.

I was quite correct in my assumption.

I arrived with a couple of my sorority sisters and got a drink. John would be arriving some time thereafter. I was wearing my skinny jeans and my favorite tank top, with the empire waist, and my favorite black boots. I was so smitten by him and could hardly wait to see him.

When John came in, our eyes met across from across the room. My stomach began doing flips. My heart quickened its beat. He was wearing the blue cashmere sweater that hugged his chiseled chest and complemented his piercing blue eyes. I knew at that moment that this was true love. The way he looked at me confirmed he felt the same way.

Immediately after I had that realization, I had another epiphany. I realized he had come walking in with HER behind him. VANESSA. THAT GIRL. That sleazy girl. That bitch. The nerve they had, flaunting their lust for one another in front of me and embarrassing me in front of my sisters. I was mortified. Did they have no respect? Three.months.down.the.drain.

I practically took flight coming across the room. It was all happening in slow motion. I took my Manhattan and threw it in her face. I do not know what had come over me. That bitch deserved what she got. I walked up to John and gave him a shove.

Me: "What is going on John?"

I shouted at him. My brain stinging from the pain of what it was trying to comprehend. My heart was stinging from the pain. How could this be happening?

John: "I do not know what you mean."

Me: "What are you doing with THIS bitch?"

John: "That is none of your business!"

Me: "None of my business? None of MY business?! You insensitive bastard!"

John: "Look, I do not know what you are freaking out on me about! What is your problem?"

Me: "THREE MONTHS JOHN! THREE MONTHS OF MY LIFE, I have been dedicated to you and you are with HER now? Is that it?"

John: "Hey, we both said things were moving a bit too fast and needed a couple days apart. I thought we were taking a break. I thought we were going to be friends and all."

That did it for me. I grabbed hold of his sweater and started yanking him. I am not even sure what I said. I just remember his blue sweater and pulling, pulling, shredding, tearing, and destroying the sweater that I used to love. He began jerking away. My grasp got tighter. I shoved him down and began kicking him in the ribs and pulling the threads, as it unraveled to nothing.

I was standing there, with single threads that lead out the door and down the driveway. I followed the thread down the street to dorms. I never found him that night, but the more the sweater unraveled, conjointly so did my sanity.

---

Stay-at-home mom, runner, disgruntled...

Laura blogs at My Beautiful Life and lives in San Diego, California with her husband, 16 month old baby girl, two dogs, and a cat, where she is training for her second marathon. She blogs about anything that comes to mind, which is often running, her adorable daughter or simply not suitable for the ears of babes.

The above fictional short story is based upon the song "Undone-The Sweater Song," by Weezer (and loosely on the T.V. show, "Cheaters").

*You can find more info about the Blog Exchange and how to participate, as well as the January participants and entries, by clicking here. Suzanne is at Laura's place today!*