Something Not Funny Happened Part Way Through the Writing Program

My goal was to attend an MFA program to better understand the craft behind writing a book, then to write a hilarious account of the horrors and indignities that I suffered through during puberty. My writing sample (or portfolio or whatever the fuck they call it) was an uproarious account of my first bra shopping experience and adjusting to having boobs. This culminated in the absurd experience of a breast reduction at the age of 22. I had a whole draft chapter on my first period and then what happened when I stopped getting it at all at age 17. Funny shit.

The problem is that as I've been studying literature, I find myself writing not so funny stories about the Holocaust and my family, the prejudiced community in which I was raised, and how direct and indirect discrimination impacted my decision to pursue a career in social justice. Sure, sometimes I am able to throw in a good joke about my bubbe's tuchus (that's butt in Yiddish), as my grandfather used a wicked sense of humor to deflect the pain of losing his family in the Holocaust (a tactic I also employ when I talk about subjects that are difficult for me, even if I can't compare what he experienced to anything I did), but I'm finding myself scribbling all sorts of serious little stories. It's both cathartic and distressing to explore these topics.

I hope that as I progress and develop my voice, I can strike a balance between the serious and the hilarious. Writing. Harumph....

Congratulations, You're a Book Winner Now!

Last year, Alex Elliot and I thought that the world needed an anthology of first period stories. We asked the blogosphere for submissions at Congratulations, You're a Woman Now!, and 38 women and one man heeded our call. The stories are all fantastic - Alex and I laughed, we cried, and, we checked the backs of our pants for leaks, and we doubled over in sympathetic cramps. We thought we'd be able to select a group of authors in December and reach out to publishers with the project in January. We were stupid.

In the meantime, Rachel Kauder Nalebuff, a highly achieving 18 year old feminist, just presented her anthology of period stories,My Little Red Book to the world. It is a wonderful collection of short essays in which women of all ages from around the world reflect on their periods. Profits go to awesome charities supporting women globally. I was psyched that some publisher took on the book and that it would be doing good work in addition to getting women to share, but also sighed a lot. Sigh.

I had the chance to interview Rachel for BlogHer. She's just an awesome woman, and her book team rocks the house, too. In fact, they are offering copies of books to women who blog about their first period! Anyone who is interested in a copy can enter the contest by posting her essay, then linking to it in the comments of at my BlogHer post. I am beyond mortified that no one has yet done so, and I know that CUSS readers are brilliant, intrepid, and funny writers with great stories to share who also love free books. (Hint, hint....)

Stories should be posted by Friday, March 13 (somehow, Friday the 13th seemed like an appropriate deadline for stories about first periods). Spread the word...

The Month

Man, March took forever to end. It was like the longest month in the history of recorded time. It's so great that it's finally ove...

What? It's only been a week?

Shit.

The More You Know

Back in the days when Saved by the Bell starred a young Mark-Paul Gosselaar, a fresh faced innocent girl by the name of Elizabeth Berkely, and a pre-Dancing with the Stars Mario Whateverhislastnameis,I'mtoolazytolookituprightnow, NBC ran public service announcements with featuring a celebrity who imparted wisdom about things like the evils of letting friends drive drunk, which concluded with the graphic of a star and the words, "The More You Know." I got the impression that "The More You Know" is a good thing. This was a bald faced lie.

See, The More I Know, the more I realize what scumbags people are. Take two cover stories from yesterday's New York Times. The first one was about how the guy who ushered in exploding loans during his tenure at Countrywide now is making bazillions of dollars by buying those exact same loans for pennies now that they have gone bad. His new company, nicknamed "PennyMac" (seriously, is it possible to more directly spit in people's faces?), is reaching out to borrowers to modify the loans. What seemed very possible is that he is giving people temporary modifications that will explode again in a few years, so he can duck out and find new ways to profit. Fists clenching, fists unclenching...

Story #2 was about a debt collection agency that uses grief counseling to trick grieving family members into paying off their dead relatives' debts, even though they are not legally liable for them. The company has the balls to say that they are helping people through their grief by giving them the opportunity to rectify their loved ones' debits. FUCK YOU. Am I the only person who has the urge to kill someone close to the executives of the company, then start calling them and asking them to heal their wounds by paying for their sister's credit card bill?

The More I Know about the world, the more I like my imaginary cave hermit life.

schmoozer, loser

6:52 pm
Greetings from the corner of a fancy awards dinner! When I was invited to the event last week, I was excited. What a great opportunity to meet people, I thought. Of course, I forgot how bad I am at schmoozing.

I also appear to be one of four women not wearing stilettos. The fact that I am decked out in neon green wellies is probably not making me a more enticing person to network with, either. But it is slushy and cold, dammit! What else should I wear?

Ok, off to my table, where hopefully my host will not be embarrassed by me. At least I left my bear hat and backpack at the coat check...

Update from home: Once I joined my table, all was well. No one seemed at all disturbed at what I thought passed for "festive attire," as the invitation specified. Lots of cool reproductive rights and social justice types to chat with, plus the woman I sat next to graduated from my high school in 1987. Everyone rocked! I am very glad that I attended, and thankful to my host for thinking of me.

Reason #27,294 Why I Love New York

This is the first thing I saw when I left my building this morning:



Thanks to the anonymous mini snowman builder, I will smile all day.

Two Memes

I was tagged by Verite Parlant at Whose Shoes Are These Anyway? for the writers meme and Liz Everyday Goddess for the seven things meme. I figured that I'd kill two birds with one stone, especially since Liz tagged me back on Jan. 27...

25 Writers Who've Influenced Me*

1. Susan Faludi - Backlash changed the way I looked at the world
2. Jonathan Kozol - Savage Inequalities and Death at a Young Age mobilized me
3. James Baldwin - two articles I read in class last year on race were so brutal that I couldn't breathe
4. Stephen King - the man gets human interaction
5. Anne Lamott - I wrote all about Bird by Bird a few weeks ago
6. Zia Jaffrey - I haven't actually read her books, but she is an incredible teacher and has been my north star for writing
7. Grace Paley - the woman gets human interaction
8. Alice Walker
9. AM Homes
10. Lionel Shriver - The Post-Birthday World shook my foundations and helped me reaffirm decisions that I made about relationships
11. Judy Blume - got me through adolescence
12. Barack Obama
13. Carl Hiaason
14. David Wallechinsky and Irving Wallace - fostered my love of random facts with The People's Almanac and The Book of Lists series
15. Howard Zinn
16. Alan Paton
17. EB White - Charlotte's death was my first true heartbreak
18. World Book Encyclopedias - before the internet, it fed my need to know things, fast, and with cool illustrations
19. George Packer
20. Gail Collins
21. Sarah Vowell
22. Zilpha Keatley Snider
23. Edwidge Danticat
24. Jackson Taylor - his first book is coming out soon, but he's another instructor who encouraged me and gave me a chance
25. Ayn Rand - she reminds me how not to be

*Note that many of these are recent influences as I've been looking at writing in a new way this year, but that Faludi and Kozol influenced the decisions I made about what I wanted to do with my life in terms of equality for all.

Seven Things You Didn't Know About Me*

1. I once dyed my body (and the bathroom counter) pink while attempting to dye my hair pink.
2. I want to learn Yiddish.
3. My motto seems to be, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence," even though I don't want that to be my motto.
4. I can't wait to be an aunt in June!
5. Rahm Emanuel, Donald Rumsfeld, Ann Margaret, Liz Phair, and Charlton Heston graduated from the same high school as I did.
6. I dropped out of law school on the third day.
7. Although as a kid I never expected to travel outside of the US, I love international travel (in large part because of the eating opportunities).

*Unless you are new to CUSS or my life otherwise, you probably already do know these things.

I'm supposed to tag other people, but I like leaving it loose. If you do take either meme, I do adore link love!