Once or twice a month (or more, depending on my anxiety level, so generally more), I have hyper-realistic dreams about failing school or being involved with people who I have known since my elementary school days. Two night ago, I dreamed that I kept missing the bus because I left my backpack at Target, where I stopped to look at some clothes before school. This was significantly less intense than my usual school-anxiety dreams, which tend to center around me not going to a specific class (German, Spanish, or more recently, math) for the entire semester and then panicking as finals approach because I am so far behind that I don't even remember where the fucking classroom is. I can't explain how I ever let it get so far, and I generally wake up in a sweaty state of dread which takes me the better portion of the day to overcome.
The other intense dreams that occur when I go to bed feeling apprehensive about something involves people I haven't seen in years. Last night I dreamed that I was involved to varying degrees with three guys, two of whom I was buddies with in elementary school and one of whom I was friendly with my freshman year of high school. (The last time I saw the guys from my days of early childhood was at my high school class reunion in 2004. I haven't seen my pal from high school since senior year, and we weren't really friends at that point any longer.) Whenever I have these dreams with people from the past, I am almost consumed in the day time by the urge to find them online and try and strike up a conversation with them. I spend hours finding them, and then am smart enough (for once) to not do anything about it. The funny thing is that at least one of these guys is a regular in my subconscious anxiety dump.
I guess I am trying to go back to more secure times in my life, even if they get weirdly updated to being adults. (The subconscious is truly one fucked up bitch.) I am all bothered these days because I want so badly to be accepted into a particular MFA program, and terrified that my trite stories will be laughed at by the graduate admissions committee. If anyone is willing to read 30 pages of stories from my youth and today (involving getting - and losing - boobs and my period), I would welcome your feedback.
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Shock therapy for you miss.
ReplyDeleteI often had dreams about one of my high school buddies cuz we lot touch. Then we finally got BACK in touch (turns out he had been having dreams about me too) and now we are in touch so the dreams have alleviated.
Sometimes you just miss people. And classes, apparently.
Listen, crazy pants. these fears are very common when you have your eye on a particular prize. i would definitely read these tales from your past. not only are they good reads, but there is something universal in your topics. keep going!
ReplyDeletei get the dreams thing too, mine have been of the pretty fucked up variety lately!
my word verification is craqb, i like it!
This was significantly less intense than my usual school-anxiety dreams, which tend to center around me not going to a specific class (German, Spanish, or more recently, math) for the entire semester and then panicking as finals approach because I am so far behind that I don't even remember where the fucking classroom is.
ReplyDeleteI've had this dream so many times. I was a little chargrined to learn that it's actually really common, especially among overachievers. (I'm not one, so I don't know what my excuse is, other than I did cut classes to the point that I had to ace every exam just to pass the course.)
Mine are usually some kind of social studies or theology course (catholic school).
Hey Suzanne!
ReplyDeleteI love your writing and would be happy to read your 30 pages.
Lest you think I am a complete stranger, we met very briefly out side of the hotel at Blogher this summer. I was waiting for a cab and you and Des and (someone I can't remember) had just ditched the unconference.
Let me know if I can help.
Take care,
Lee
Thanks Lee! I do remember you. Should I email the pages to you at the email listed at the bottom of your blog? If not, send me an email (mine is cussandotherrants AT gmail DOT com) and let me know where to send. And thanks again for offering! It is a lot of reading to take on.
ReplyDeleteNope... you don't know me. But I'm a voracious reader and have no life. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm a total "anyman". For a woman, I mean.
So email away, if you so desire. But tell me what you want to accomplish so I don't mess it up.
Snowbug
I would be happy to read it. When I get stressed I dream that I'm failing high school chemistry.
ReplyDeleteI hate those freaking dreams. OK, got to share mine. I am sitting in Calculus class on an exam day. I am feeling good because I have studied for the exam. The instructor passes out the exam and tells us to start. I look at the first problem and I don't know how to do it. No problem I think, I will skip it and come back to it later. I look at the next problem and I don't know how to do it either. I start looking through the exam at all of the problems and I can't do any of them. I start to really panic. I am flipping back and forth through the pages of the exam and I can't do any of the problems. I am going to fail the exam and fail the class. At this point in the dream I awake feeling like crap.
ReplyDeletekimberly
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