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Friday, December 8, 2006
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Unintended Consequences Can Be Good
“CURVES ARE BACK!” screamed the headline of a woman’s magazine displayed at my local newsstand. How nice that my body type – something of which I have no control over – is back in style. I have no idea how I ever got through the period of time when it was not “in.” My heart goes out to those women whose genetic codes are no longer in vogue, and for those still waiting their turn to be trendy. I recommend against attempting to change your genetic destiny, though, for the sake of fashion. What will you do if you get hip, breast, and/or butt implants when “curves” fall out of favor again?
I saw the exciting news that I (with the aid of a tummy tuck – there’s only so much curve one is allowed!) am “back” while I was walking home from a doctor’s appointment. The day before Thanksgiving, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) by a reproductive endocrinologist. It only took 12 years for doctors to confirm that I had cysts on my ovaries. Oh sure, I’d been to many “specialists” since I stopped menstruating at the ripe old age of 17, and none of them thought to do a transvaginal ultrasound, which is the only way to truly see whether there are ovarian cysts or not. But I’m not bitter or anything.
The week after the PCOS diagnosis was made, I went back to the doctor’s office for a glucose test, as PCOS often leads to insulin resistance which is the direct path to diabetes - a “Do not pass Go; do not collect $100” kind of thing. Here’s where my vanity comes into play. (I like to think of it as the top hat or Scottie dog Monopoly option.) Ever since puberty smacked me upside the head in a most painful way, I struggled to control my weight. By 1998, I was a smidge over five feet tall and 167 pounds. Clothes that fit me were not plentiful. I hated looking in the mirror, and getting dressed brought me on the verge of tears. Like most people, I got dressed every day, so this was not a happy time.
One day I decided that it was time to make a big change. As much as I hated exercising and loathed restricting myself to one dessert a day or eating vegetables, it was better than crying every morning. I found a gym with TVs and forced myself to go every night after work. In the first year, I lost 20 pounds. Another six came off when I had breast reduction surgery, as well as a tremendous amount of shoulder and neck pain relief. I worked on watching what I ate. Sometimes that meant watching as I shoveled crap down my gullet, but allowing myself to really enjoy things once in a while was part of my plan. I lost another 20 pounds. Shopping for clothes and getting dressed became much less torturous, although many of my body insecurities remain. And today, my body is even in style. Whoo-de-doo.
So what does this have to do with PCOS? As the doctor looked over my test results, he expressed surprise that my glucose level was only slightly elevated. He recommended diet and exercise to keep it under control, instead of drugs. When I undertook my diet and exercise plan almost nine years ago, I didn’t do it because I wanted to be healthier. I only cared about looking better. Fuck it if “curves are back.” It’ll be out again in a few months, but my vanity got me to the point where I can deal with my health issues with no dramatic intervention. That’s what matters.
I saw the exciting news that I (with the aid of a tummy tuck – there’s only so much curve one is allowed!) am “back” while I was walking home from a doctor’s appointment. The day before Thanksgiving, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) by a reproductive endocrinologist. It only took 12 years for doctors to confirm that I had cysts on my ovaries. Oh sure, I’d been to many “specialists” since I stopped menstruating at the ripe old age of 17, and none of them thought to do a transvaginal ultrasound, which is the only way to truly see whether there are ovarian cysts or not. But I’m not bitter or anything.
The week after the PCOS diagnosis was made, I went back to the doctor’s office for a glucose test, as PCOS often leads to insulin resistance which is the direct path to diabetes - a “Do not pass Go; do not collect $100” kind of thing. Here’s where my vanity comes into play. (I like to think of it as the top hat or Scottie dog Monopoly option.) Ever since puberty smacked me upside the head in a most painful way, I struggled to control my weight. By 1998, I was a smidge over five feet tall and 167 pounds. Clothes that fit me were not plentiful. I hated looking in the mirror, and getting dressed brought me on the verge of tears. Like most people, I got dressed every day, so this was not a happy time.
One day I decided that it was time to make a big change. As much as I hated exercising and loathed restricting myself to one dessert a day or eating vegetables, it was better than crying every morning. I found a gym with TVs and forced myself to go every night after work. In the first year, I lost 20 pounds. Another six came off when I had breast reduction surgery, as well as a tremendous amount of shoulder and neck pain relief. I worked on watching what I ate. Sometimes that meant watching as I shoveled crap down my gullet, but allowing myself to really enjoy things once in a while was part of my plan. I lost another 20 pounds. Shopping for clothes and getting dressed became much less torturous, although many of my body insecurities remain. And today, my body is even in style. Whoo-de-doo.
So what does this have to do with PCOS? As the doctor looked over my test results, he expressed surprise that my glucose level was only slightly elevated. He recommended diet and exercise to keep it under control, instead of drugs. When I undertook my diet and exercise plan almost nine years ago, I didn’t do it because I wanted to be healthier. I only cared about looking better. Fuck it if “curves are back.” It’ll be out again in a few months, but my vanity got me to the point where I can deal with my health issues with no dramatic intervention. That’s what matters.
To Make a Long Story Long...
I often find the backstory leading to my point to be as interesting as the point itself. This is why so many of my posts are practically novels. Just an observation.
Yesterday a friend who is a literary agent told me that he sold a book, which is coming out next week, about sexual euphemisms. Cool. Even better, he licensed the images and text from the book to a greeting card company and "now there is a line of unbelievably inappropriate greeting cards all about muff diving, the dirty sanchez, and other
euphemisms of that ilk."
I am giddy.
Yesterday a friend who is a literary agent told me that he sold a book, which is coming out next week, about sexual euphemisms. Cool. Even better, he licensed the images and text from the book to a greeting card company and "now there is a line of unbelievably inappropriate greeting cards all about muff diving, the dirty sanchez, and other
euphemisms of that ilk."
I am giddy.
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
The Best Fashion of All!
I was so busy finishing the duct tape Suzanne this week and then buying* all those fancy ridiculous lingerie items for her big fashion show last night and then staging the show and posting the pictures that I did not have a chance to mention that I was randomly chosen by Fussy for a National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo) prize! I selected the fabulous beaver t-shirt picture at the left. How awesome is it that the amazing, talented and popular Mrs. Kennedy (sponsor of NaBloPoMo) supports fuzzy beavers? Swoon!To be honest, more valuable to me than the prize is that the announcement of the prize provides a link on Fussy to CUSS. As a result, many people who probably otherwise not stop by CUSS are taking a deep breath, trusting Mrs. Kennedy to not lead them to a complete psycho, and clicking on the link. This is very cool.
So thanks for the beaver shirt and for the credibility, Mrs. K! It means a lot to me. (Bah! I'm choking up now.)
*All the fine lingerie will be returned, unworn (at least by a flesh person), to Victoria's Secret tomorrow. I do not feel guilty because this is how celebrities do it when they wear fancy shit to red carpet events.
The CUSS Victoria's Secret Anti-Fashion Show: Lessons Learned
Stop the insanity of modeling! Look, I know that few adult women really believe that the purchase of a particular product will make her look like the six foot, 115 pound model that a company hires to hawk their wares. (In Victoria’s Secrets’s case, wares are also wears. Ba dum dum cha.) I also know, thanks to the Dove “Real Beauty” campaign (in which skinny, average, and above average sized women pushed cellulite reducing cream), that people like movie critic Richard Roeper object to seeing real women in their underwear. (As a reminder, he wrote: I find these Dove ads a little unsettling. If I want to see plump gals baring too much skin, I'll go to Taste of Chicago, OK? I'll walk down Michigan Avenue or go to Navy Pier. When we're talking women in their underwear on billboards outside my living room windows, give me the fantasy babes, please… If that makes me sound superficial, shallow and sexist -- well yes, I'm a man.)
Setting aside Roeper’s concept that the purpose of all lingerie advertising is to please men like him, I find these underwear models (and other models) rather useless at selling me things. I know that I am not going to look like those women in whatever they are wearing that I am supposed to buy. I am 5’1” and I weigh 125 pounds. While that makes my body mass index a tad under overweight, it also means that I weigh either the same or more than women who are at least 10 inches taller than me. There is no way I will look like they do, no matter what I wear, ever.
Thus, I have no idea at all what I might look like in do in the products they are selling, and worse, can only assume that I will look much less attractive than the models. If that is the case, why on earth would I buy those things? If Victoria’s Secret or other clothing purveyors really want to create a burning desire in me to buy their shit, than show me some people who are a reasonable facsimile of me. It doesn’t have to be an exact replica, as I have provided for the anti-Fashion Show, but something at least a bit more relatable. And if that is a problem because people like me don’t look good in anything your company makes, than I’d say we have a larger problem, don’t we? Perhaps you might consider designing things for women who have a little heft on their hips, stomachs, and thighs besides granny underwear.
Now that’s a million dollar concept, not some freaky chain-mail bra custom made with diamonds all over it.
Setting aside Roeper’s concept that the purpose of all lingerie advertising is to please men like him, I find these underwear models (and other models) rather useless at selling me things. I know that I am not going to look like those women in whatever they are wearing that I am supposed to buy. I am 5’1” and I weigh 125 pounds. While that makes my body mass index a tad under overweight, it also means that I weigh either the same or more than women who are at least 10 inches taller than me. There is no way I will look like they do, no matter what I wear, ever.
Thus, I have no idea at all what I might look like in do in the products they are selling, and worse, can only assume that I will look much less attractive than the models. If that is the case, why on earth would I buy those things? If Victoria’s Secret or other clothing purveyors really want to create a burning desire in me to buy their shit, than show me some people who are a reasonable facsimile of me. It doesn’t have to be an exact replica, as I have provided for the anti-Fashion Show, but something at least a bit more relatable. And if that is a problem because people like me don’t look good in anything your company makes, than I’d say we have a larger problem, don’t we? Perhaps you might consider designing things for women who have a little heft on their hips, stomachs, and thighs besides granny underwear.
Now that’s a million dollar concept, not some freaky chain-mail bra custom made with diamonds all over it.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
CUSS Presents: the Anti-Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
Baby, it’s cold outside, but things sure heated up in my apartment tonight as Duct Tape Suzanne modeled all of the sexiest fashions from my local Victoria’s Secret outlet! Some people may be glued to the TV tonight, watching half starved giantesses flaunt their wares, but here at CUSS we bring you “real” lingerie action! Is it sad that the proportions of a duct tape model are more achievable for most women than those of the live women on TV? Are they any sexier than my duct tape doppelganger? Remember: you are only as sexy as you feel….
First, some vital stats on the model for the model:
Height: 5’1”
Weight: 125ish
Bust: 35
Waist: 27
Hips: 37
The evening’s model, Duct Tape Suzanne, however, has no arms, legs, or especially head. We here at CUSS know what people really want to see when they view a lingerie fashion show, so why waste time with extraneous body parts? Speaking of wasting time, on with the show!
To kick off the evening, may I present the first sizzling number. The “Secret Embrace” is all over the Victoria’s Secret catalogues, ads, and in their store fronts, so we know it must be good.
Free of charge, this bra comes with two mini pillows in the cups, so you never worry about where to lay your head if you need a spur-of-the-moment nap. Perfect for narcoleptics! Some of the “Secret Embrace” bras are even reversible! (not the undies, though. You should still wash them between wear, especially thongs.) Unfortunately, it is also made of a material that feels like a weird foamy rubber. If I were Duct Tape Suzanne, I’d be picking that strange material out of my ass crack all day. But I’m not, and you probably aren’t either, so you can buy this set online if you want. Bra, $58 as pictured; thong; $16 but on sale 3 for $30. Whadda deal!
What is sexy? I think we all agree that pink is precious, but slightly naughty when paired with black! Wait til you see this innocent-yet-bad number as it digs into my soft flesh!
Yes, this hot little item from French designer Chantal Thomass can be yours for only $38 in stores! If you prefer getting your crotch patch online, or you want to see how Victoria’s Secret presents it on a woman with no tummy or body hair, you can order it online for only $28! The bra is only availabe in stores and can dig into your ribs for only $68. (Waxing and liposuction not included.)
Another fantastic and exotic store-only find is this Chantal Thomass black lace set.
Because who doesn’t find extraneous underwires jabbed you to be super hot, regardless of body type? The elegant thong nestles into my thighs and ass so perfectly.
Our next panties are perfect for people with digestive disorders, like me, or women who enjoy anal sex. (Not that I am relating the two.)
It’s like a little escape valve or emergency point of entry, when one just doesn’t have time to rip off her thong before the action happens. For our most urgent moments, buy this in stores for $16. Stock up if you get lots of sloppy action: 3 for $30. Why risk it?
If the thongs above are too much coverage for you, and the Chantal v-string a bit too pricey, no fears! You too can have a string in your ass all day long and no butt coverage for much less! Introducing the Angels v-string.
Note how it covers nothing on Duct Tape Suzanne, just like the more expensive designer one, yet has the fine feminine details we all crave on our crotch patches. You sacrifice nothing, since there is nothing to it, yet the Angels satin v-string is only $14! Click above and its only a credit card away. Marvelous!
Finally, to get into the holiday spirit, Giselle – the very same fashion model who dated Leonardo DiCaprio! – brings you the very same “skirt” she wore on the “cover of the Christmas Dreams and Fantasies Catalogue 2006”! (Yes, there is actually a high quality cream cardboard tag attached by safety pin to the skirt that assures me that this is true!)
I’m sorry to report that the bra on Duct Tape Suzanne is not the same one in the online catalogue on Giselle, and is only available in stores. Fortunately, this bra is scratchy as hell, constantly reminding you of its presence. You that you paid good money for that, you wouldn’t want to forget you were wearing it or something, would you? Actually, I almost think that Duct Tape Suzanne looks nicer in this outfit than Giselle does. She’s not wearing it as low on her hips as Giselle. Nor does Duct Tape Suzanne have legs, so it’s hard to see how hideous that would look on real Suzanne. Still, it is a nice way to end the show. Both items retail for $58.
Sorry Justin Timberlake was unable to perform, but I hope that Duct Tape Suzanne generated enough excitement on her own. As I am sure this was the most viewed fashion show on the web tonight, I’ll hold a press conference tomorrow morning to debrief.
Thank you for attending, and I hope you found what you were looking for in our hardworking Duct Tape Suzanne model!
First, some vital stats on the model for the model:
Height: 5’1”
Weight: 125ish
Bust: 35
Waist: 27
Hips: 37
The evening’s model, Duct Tape Suzanne, however, has no arms, legs, or especially head. We here at CUSS know what people really want to see when they view a lingerie fashion show, so why waste time with extraneous body parts? Speaking of wasting time, on with the show!
To kick off the evening, may I present the first sizzling number. The “Secret Embrace” is all over the Victoria’s Secret catalogues, ads, and in their store fronts, so we know it must be good.
 |  |
Free of charge, this bra comes with two mini pillows in the cups, so you never worry about where to lay your head if you need a spur-of-the-moment nap. Perfect for narcoleptics! Some of the “Secret Embrace” bras are even reversible! (not the undies, though. You should still wash them between wear, especially thongs.) Unfortunately, it is also made of a material that feels like a weird foamy rubber. If I were Duct Tape Suzanne, I’d be picking that strange material out of my ass crack all day. But I’m not, and you probably aren’t either, so you can buy this set online if you want. Bra, $58 as pictured; thong; $16 but on sale 3 for $30. Whadda deal!
What is sexy? I think we all agree that pink is precious, but slightly naughty when paired with black! Wait til you see this innocent-yet-bad number as it digs into my soft flesh!
 | |
Yes, this hot little item from French designer Chantal Thomass can be yours for only $38 in stores! If you prefer getting your crotch patch online, or you want to see how Victoria’s Secret presents it on a woman with no tummy or body hair, you can order it online for only $28! The bra is only availabe in stores and can dig into your ribs for only $68. (Waxing and liposuction not included.)
Another fantastic and exotic store-only find is this Chantal Thomass black lace set.
 |  |
Because who doesn’t find extraneous underwires jabbed you to be super hot, regardless of body type? The elegant thong nestles into my thighs and ass so perfectly.
Our next panties are perfect for people with digestive disorders, like me, or women who enjoy anal sex. (Not that I am relating the two.)
 |  |
It’s like a little escape valve or emergency point of entry, when one just doesn’t have time to rip off her thong before the action happens. For our most urgent moments, buy this in stores for $16. Stock up if you get lots of sloppy action: 3 for $30. Why risk it?
If the thongs above are too much coverage for you, and the Chantal v-string a bit too pricey, no fears! You too can have a string in your ass all day long and no butt coverage for much less! Introducing the Angels v-string.
 |  |
Note how it covers nothing on Duct Tape Suzanne, just like the more expensive designer one, yet has the fine feminine details we all crave on our crotch patches. You sacrifice nothing, since there is nothing to it, yet the Angels satin v-string is only $14! Click above and its only a credit card away. Marvelous!
Finally, to get into the holiday spirit, Giselle – the very same fashion model who dated Leonardo DiCaprio! – brings you the very same “skirt” she wore on the “cover of the Christmas Dreams and Fantasies Catalogue 2006”! (Yes, there is actually a high quality cream cardboard tag attached by safety pin to the skirt that assures me that this is true!)
 |  |
I’m sorry to report that the bra on Duct Tape Suzanne is not the same one in the online catalogue on Giselle, and is only available in stores. Fortunately, this bra is scratchy as hell, constantly reminding you of its presence. You that you paid good money for that, you wouldn’t want to forget you were wearing it or something, would you? Actually, I almost think that Duct Tape Suzanne looks nicer in this outfit than Giselle does. She’s not wearing it as low on her hips as Giselle. Nor does Duct Tape Suzanne have legs, so it’s hard to see how hideous that would look on real Suzanne. Still, it is a nice way to end the show. Both items retail for $58.
Sorry Justin Timberlake was unable to perform, but I hope that Duct Tape Suzanne generated enough excitement on her own. As I am sure this was the most viewed fashion show on the web tonight, I’ll hold a press conference tomorrow morning to debrief.
Thank you for attending, and I hope you found what you were looking for in our hardworking Duct Tape Suzanne model!
Victoria's Secret Fashion Show: The Sneak Peak
To help me prepare for the headless, armless, and legless version of me as a lingerie model for tonight's big Anti-Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, I checked out the competition's online sneak peak. I learned three important things:
1. Obnoxiously loud techno music is featured at the real deal tonight, as well as "the breakout musical performance of the decade," which they seem to believe is Justin Timberlake "bringing sexy back." (Can you stop laughing at this idea? I can't.)
2. Although print ads and their own sneak preview shows last year's fantasy bra being modeled (my special investigation of the fantasy bra from last year, which involved calling the fantasy hotline, which is answered by a regular Victoria's Secret phone order employee, I was disappointed to discover - shouldn't it be a special line if you are going to spend millions of dollars on a bejeweled titsling? - revealed that although it will be custom-fit to the buyer, the 2005 was not sold), a quick search on the Victoria's Secret website revealed the brand new 2006 fantasy bra! You will be thrilled to know that it is over 800 carats and retails for $6.5 million. (Sorry, other holiday offers are not applicable to the fantasy bra.) Thank goodness there is slave labor in Africa to mine these diamonds, of which the sale finances horrible civil wars!
3. It is appropriate to wear a shrug with one's bra. (A shrug is usually worn on the shoulders with strapless gowns to keep the wearer's arms warm, but still show off the stylish dress because a shrug does not cover the torso like a plain old sweater does.) I do not understand this apparatus at all.
Now I am off to Vicky's to purchase some bra shrugs and other items for the anti-Victoria's Secret Fashion Show tonight. Stay tuned!
1. Obnoxiously loud techno music is featured at the real deal tonight, as well as "the breakout musical performance of the decade," which they seem to believe is Justin Timberlake "bringing sexy back." (Can you stop laughing at this idea? I can't.)
2. Although print ads and their own sneak preview shows last year's fantasy bra being modeled (my special investigation of the fantasy bra from last year, which involved calling the fantasy hotline, which is answered by a regular Victoria's Secret phone order employee, I was disappointed to discover - shouldn't it be a special line if you are going to spend millions of dollars on a bejeweled titsling? - revealed that although it will be custom-fit to the buyer, the 2005 was not sold), a quick search on the Victoria's Secret website revealed the brand new 2006 fantasy bra! You will be thrilled to know that it is over 800 carats and retails for $6.5 million. (Sorry, other holiday offers are not applicable to the fantasy bra.) Thank goodness there is slave labor in Africa to mine these diamonds, of which the sale finances horrible civil wars!
3. It is appropriate to wear a shrug with one's bra. (A shrug is usually worn on the shoulders with strapless gowns to keep the wearer's arms warm, but still show off the stylish dress because a shrug does not cover the torso like a plain old sweater does.) I do not understand this apparatus at all.
Now I am off to Vicky's to purchase some bra shrugs and other items for the anti-Victoria's Secret Fashion Show tonight. Stay tuned!
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