Serendipity and Let the Molding Begin!

In order to create the Victoria’s Secret Model Suzanne, I will wear a form-fitting t-shirt and biking shorts or leggings, then be wrapped in duct tape. After three layers are applied, Husband or whoever helps me with my project will cut through the tape and clothes in the back, then I’ll tape it back together and stuff the form. Viola!

While rummaging through my pajama drawer for a reject t-shirt I could use for my exciting project, I found the perfect sacrificial lamb. As you may recall, after I cam back from the BlogHer conference at the end of July, I wrote a long rant about why I hated Elexa condoms. I recanted my beefs about the condoms themselves after being schooled by a more knowledgeable source on what the deal really is with them, but I remain irked that the t-shirts that they gave out during BlogHer were so tiny. Only someone with the figure of a Victoria’s Secret model could wear that shirt and look decent.

Click! The light bulb went on when I found the shirt buried in my drawer. It is very tight on me and perfect for making a body double cast that clearly shows my gut. So exciting! Now I just need a pair of bike shorts or stretch pants to cast my undergut and thunder thighs.

More on the Pubic Alert

As I finally drifted into a fitful slumber around 4 am (damn damn insomnia), I was still traumatized by the crotch pictures of young Brtiney Spears. (And also I forgot to hat tip the always delightful SJ of I, Asshole, which is where I first heard about the pictures.) Maybe 5 or 6 months ago, Lindsey Lohan had an incident where she was wearing a thong to the Kids' Choice Awards and her skirt was tangled in it or something and she flashed her ass to the audience of young impressionable minds. At the time, I wrote that this was one of those reminders that thongs are useless as underwear.

Back to Britney, as Suebob noted, who goes out in public with teeny skirts and no undies? At first I thought that maybe if she had been wearing her usual g-string, she could have avoided the worst of the situation. Then it occurred to me that the resultant photos could have been even more disturbing, with the string wedged into her pube-free cootch. That would have made some serious fetish photos. Suebob is also right that those gynerazzi are creepy to takes such pictures, and it is scary to think that this could happen to any one of us if we were famous and walked around with no underwear and what is essentially a long t-shirt.

Ultimately, the whole thing reminds me of my whole "Mother Nature" pubic hair theory of life: Think of pubic hairs as an organic warning system of sorts. It’s your guardian angel Mother Nature preventing you from humiliation by telling you to put some clothes on because you look obscene. I'm sure that Britney would not have gone out with no undies and a miniscule bottom if she had crotch hair hanging out all over the place. It would be protection from her own bad judgment and the vile photographers that took advantage of it.

Important Pubic - uh, I Mean Public - Alert from CUSS

Forget my previous concerns about the random obsession people have for no explicable reason for jewish pussy, something I fretted over about 30 minutes ago. No. There is a much more important things that is causing the Campaign for Unshaved Snatch to now freaking out. Do you want a Very Important Lesson on Why Furry Beavers are Good? Follow the link to The Superficial. To help keep the innocent that way, the initial pictures of Britney Spears's completely bare snatch are censored. Click on them individually, though, and - the horror! the horror! A little pubic hair, maybe even dyed with that scary new pube dye that I saw at a store for $20 (!), would have covered up a bit. Even a little landing strip, aka "vagina mustache" - would help here. As it is, I can practically see the last person she fucked. Cringe.

She's clearly not a girl and not yet a woman, based on her nether regions.

Request for Information: Jewish Pussy

In the past two weeks, CUSS received 70 visits from people searching for jewish pussy. That averages to five hits per day for jewish pussy, a trend that has been going on for a few months now. While I am in possession of such an object of apparent desire, it seems to me that it is no different from other pussies. Dr. H, who is practicing vaginal medicine, if you will, also seems to find no ethnic or religious differences among her patients’ poons. So the quest for jewish pussy is very mysterious to me, but perhaps we can all learn something from it.

If you are here because of jewish pussy, can you take a moment to let me know what on earth you think you will find by searching for the term jewish pussy? Comments may be left anonymously, but may possibly enhance my understanding of the world. (The flip side being that it could reinforce my utter disgust with people.) You’ll be doing a mitvah if you take the time to explain!

Thanks!

Ho Ho Ho

I love a good laugh, so I stopped in Saks Fifth Avenue this afternoon on my way home from an appointment. All the other women wandered around the store holding shopping bags from Saks or fancy boutiques; I had a plastic bag from Staples with two rolls of duct tape in it (for my Victoria's Secret body double - work to commence this weekend!). I also had half of a smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwich on me. I considered eating it as a I poked at the expensive designer clothes, but then decided that would make me no better than the woman I saw who brought her dog with her into Bloomingdale's last month.

Things were all geared up for the Christmas tree lighting in Rockefeller Plaza later today. (Saks is right across the street from it.) It was kind of fun. I polished off my sandwich as I walked home between blowing more vile thick yellow mucus out of my very angry and raw nose. Call me Rudolph the Red Nosed Jewish White Trash Shopper.

I Hate Stupid Assholes

My sister told me that a parent who sends her 3 year old son to the local preschool threatened to pull him out because her husband saw him playing with Barbies when he picked the kid up at the end of the day. She insisted that her son would be gay as a result, and that it is the job of the staff to make sure that these things don’t happen.

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Speaking of stupid assholes, people in the modeling industry generally fall into this category. How fitting, then, that Theo has a new modeling photo posted. Not that he is a stupid asshole at all. (You may need to click on the November 2006 archives to take a gander at his splendor. Blogger is acting up again.)

The Ideas Warm Me Up

One of the symptoms of PCOS is insulin resistance, so I had to return to the creepy reproductive endocrinologist's office today and take a blood sugar test. This involved fasting after midnight and drawing my blood upon arrival, then drinking a bottle of what tasted like flat orange pop and drawing my blood again in two hours. Fine. I brought a lot of reading.

Why, however, does the doctor's office find it necessary to blast the air conditioning in the waiting room? I sat for two hours in my coat and gloves, sniffling and blowing out giant mucus balls. (I'm sure the other patients - almost all couples - were thrilled with me. This makes me laugh because misery loves company.) By the time I left, I was too sick to investigate the materials I need to buy to make my Victoria's Secret model body double.

However, I am bouyed by the wonderful suggestions that I received so far, as well as Dianne's offer to help. The duct tape idea is brilliant, although my concern is that it will not necessarily properly illustrate my gut hanging over and under the sides of string bikini underwear. As soon as I am feeling better, I will investigate. Cackle cackle. Really, I am so excited.