I discovered that documents written in pencil on lined paper in 1986 or 1987 do not scan well. Since the story is much better when read in its original form (and includes an important drawing), I am going to photocopy it and make it darker, then try to scan it again.
In place of "A Treaser Hunt with THE Girl Who Wanted To Be In Professional Baseball," CUSS instead presents the following conversation with Bubbe:
"Hey Bubbe, how come Bob* isn't married?" I asked her, knowing full well what the answer would be. Bob is a friend of the family who is in his late 50s. He attended her birthday party with his mother.
She learned forward, her eyes gleaming with bochinche.** "Because he's a feygelah!!!"
My sister snickered. "Ask her why he's gay?" she said under her breath. I like instigating, so I followed her directions. "Bubbe, how come he's a feygelah?"
"Because," she leered. "His mother didn't hide nothing from him."
"Huh? What's that mean?" I asked, knowing full well what she meant.
"She let him see her naked, and that made him a feygelah." She nodded and leaned back into the cushions of the rust colored couch. "Yes."
And this concludes our lesson on human sexuality with Bubbe. Next time, tune in for a diatribe on why Barack Obama hates Israel. Or better yet, I'll get my story scanned and posted.
*Name changed to protect the slandered.
**I'm not sure how to spell this, but it is Puerto Rican slang for juicy gossip.
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Ah, that explains it all.
ReplyDeleteYes, seeing a naked woman is about the worst thing that can happen to a boy.
ReplyDeleteIf that were the case, my brother, who grew up in a house full of hippie (and therefor frequently naked) females, would be flaming out of control.
ReplyDeleteBut, it must be so nice to live in a world where logic like that rules the day! Bubbe probably doesn't have a lot of stress.
Wait - Barak Obama hates Israel? Damn it, now I might have to support Hilary Clinton, who *I* hate . . . .
ReplyDeleteOh good, I was waiting for a Bubbe story. I even read it aloud to Jay (complete with accent).
ReplyDeleteI'll have to take that story under advisement...
ReplyDeleteSuebob - I think the trauma of a boy seeing his mom naked is what turned him gay. Or something.
ReplyDeleteMara - It was explained to me (although not by Bubbe) that Obama is against Israel because he is Muslim.
Jessica - While it is somewhat nice for Bubbe to live in her little world, it is insanely stressful for the rest of us around her.
Des - Thank Dana for urging me on.
Alex - Yes, you should also keep them away from schwartzers so that they grow up with values. Sigh.
Or they could change the name of this site to "Campaign For Unshaved Natural Tush" (C.U.N.T.) haha...
ReplyDelete