Deep Sea Spear Fishing and Other Metaphoric Overkill

Where to even begin? Setting aside the idea that "no one wants to eat a bearded clam," let's focus on the realities of this fine ad sent to me by the hilarious SJ of I, Asshole. I am impressed that between the "before" and "after" shots of the clam, it loudly proclaims "RARIIP." To me, that says, "This is going to hurt like a mad motherfucker," and that is true. (Thanks to the one accidental bikini wax I had, I know this for a fact.) Hence, the hairless clam in the "after" shot is "singing" like a suspect being tortured during interrogation.

As for the statement that "no one wants to eat a bearded clam," I have to disagree. There are plenty of people in the world – male and female – who can deal with the fact that grown women have pubic hair, and some of us happen to not want to hear/experience "RARIIP" anywhere near our pooties. (Even thinking about it makes me cross my legs.) I realize that not all women agree with me when it comes to cooch style, and that's fine. But don't be insisting that every single potential clam eater finds naturally hairy clams gross. It is a lie, propaganda from the beauty industry. There's something for everyone. We don't all need to be the same neatly smooth Venus to get action or love.

However, this did get me thinking: if no one likes a bearded clam, is it not also true that no one likes a mustached gherkin? Shouldn't the beauty industry begin targeting men to remind them that their curlies also get in the way? I once had a debate with a total moron on someone else's blog in which he suggested that women who don't wax/shave don't deserve his services. I asked him if he waxed/shaved his pubic hair, and he indignantly insisted that he didn't need to because no one's mouth would be near his bush. I dropped the subject then because it is clear that this man has only received very bad blow jobs for his entire life and has no idea that more than the tip of a dick can be involved. (As I write this, his other completely insane insistence – that circumcised men never experience sexual pleasure, which he based entirely on his own experience, which he somehow compared to that of non-circumcised men – makes a lot of sense. The man obviously has no concept.)

No more beating around the bush (har dee har har)! If bearded clams are gross, so are mustached gherkins. What's good for the goose is also good for the gander, who, to completely kill the metaphor, should both be plucked free, although that probably would not be good for either goose or gander, as they need their downy coats. Just like me.