Don't Ask, Don't Tell

People are rude asshole idiots in general, so it should not surprise me that one of the most personal questions possible is also one of the ones I am most commonly asked: when are you going to have children? It's a dangerous question. What if I had been trying hard for years to have a kid and nothing worked, including adoption? Do you want me to go into my whole spiel about my dried up prune of a uterus or how I keep losing babies I arrange to adopt? No one likes hearing about diseased uteruses. Nope, people don't want to hear depressing answers. Those are deemed "socially awkward" and I'd be frowned upon for telling the truth and making someone uncomfortable, when really the fuckface who asks should be slapped around for being inconsiderate in asking something so personal.

Of course, while my uterus is a dried up prune, nothing else in the above paragraph happens to be true for me. My answer to this vile question isn't socially awkward (how unusual for me!), but instead upsetting in a way that provokes further inappropriate questions. I tell people that I am not planning on having children.

"What?!?!" is the typical shocked response.

"I just don't want them," I say.

"Why?" the persistent shit insists.

"Because I understand how much time and energy kids require, and I am not willing to sacrifice everything that parents do to meet those needs," I explain, patiently, thinking that this is a very good response and they querier will shut up now. I am often wrong.

"But why not? You'd be such a great mom!" my Inquisitor says with a perplexed smile.

Wow, did this person not just listen to a fucking thing that I said? "Because I am not particularly interested in raising my own child. I do like kids, and I love spending time with my friends' kids, and I can't wait until my sister or brother-in-law has kids, because I know it is going to be great. I also love spending time with kids, then going home, and doing whatever I want. Freedom!"

"Oh," the person's pea brain still cannot fathom that I don't have a biological clock or some innate maternal instinct that makes me want to give up a part of myself (and I am not criticized moms at all – I'm saying that I am far more selfish in a way and I embrace that) to invest in my kiddies.

Every time I am asked when I am going to have kids, I contemplate giving telling them the sob story so that they will feel bad about asking, but I never have. Sometimes I incorporate some of the sob story so that the person will feel embarrassed and stop asking me things. Other times I blather on about how it makes me an especially effective child advocate since I can spend all my time worrying about other people's children instead of my own. (Not that people with kids can't be great advocates because most of the best advocates out there do have kids, but it's not a bad theory.)

"Don't ask, don't tell" may not be a good policy for gays in the military, but it should be adopted as a rule for general conversation.