My Junior High Trip to India

A few days ago, Ray began remarking how much this trip was like regressing back to junior high. We have dissolved on multiple occasions into fits of hysterical giggling, just like we did when we became friends almost 20 years ago. (My parents used to hate when Ray would sleep over because we'd up all night giggling, waking them up repeatedly.) People are acting immature in other ways, too. Some members of the group make little comments about the food, like "No wonder why people have such bad teeth here. I thought it was due to lack of dentistry, but it's really because of how sweet this food is. Who can eat that?' (Yes, that one is courtesy of Piggy.) Little crushes on one another seem to be developing. There's some minor drama.

I'm sleeping with John. Not really, of course, but our single beds are pushed so close together in our hotel room that I practically am sleeping in the same bed as him. I like saying that we are sleeping together, as it amuses me. On the other hand, I'm not really sleeping at all because he has some sort of sinus problem and snores loudly. It's woken me up numerous nights throughout the trip. I forgive him, though, because he recovered all the pictures I accidentally deleted yesterday. He's my hero. Plus, it turns out that tonight when I work up at 5:45 AM and could not fall back asleep, I actually needed to have another digestive incident, so I would have been up anyway. (It's green, FYI.)

Thinking about shitting brings the word shithead to the forefront of my mind, which reminds me of Fearless Leader, our despised tour guide. Yesterday we were on the bus for about 7 hours, and he barely bothered to point out any sites of interest or explain what we were seeing as we whizzed through the desert countryside, avoiding oncoming traffic. At one point, we passed a ginormous monkey-headed god statue. Not one word of explanation from Fearless Leader, so Ray approached him.

"What was that giant monkey-headed god statue we just passed?" she asked him.

"Oh, that statue is of a monkey-headed god," he answered wisely.

No shit, Sherlock. How about a few more details, like perhaps the name of the god, what his role is, and/or who worships him? Ray tried to probe a bit more, but after continuing to reply with insultingly obvious answers, she gave up and we consulted the "dead guide." (This is the book about India that Mother-in-Law gave me to bring. It is also the only way that I knew that the treasury building at Fatehpur Sikri had sea monsters carved into the ceiling struts to protect the wealth inside. Fatehpur Sikri was eventually abandoned because of the scarcity of water, so I am not sure how effective the fierce sea monsters were in protecting the treasure.)

Fearless Leader also encourages the worst of my junior high behavior. His smug attitude causes me to sass him whenever I must deal with him. My surly bitchiness is nothing, though. Fearless Leader also encourages Piggy to continue his racist rants and joins The Lecher in ogling some of the women on the trip.

"No wonder why people in India are so smart," he said early on. "It's because the stupid ones touch the wires and die."

"Ehhhhhehhheheheheh," Fearless Leader laughed. "Piggy is so smart. That's exactly right!"

As for the ogling, the Lecher is in his 60s, recently married to a woman he's dated and swung with for over 30 years, and making several women in our group immensely uncomfortable by hitting on them nonstop. He even sat by the pool when they went swimming, staring with saucer-sized eyes at their lithe bodies in bikinis and drooling. Later, Fearless Leader sat in the lobby with the Lech, staring at the women's asses and tits. (The Lech, by the way, almost completely ignores Ray and I.) He also likes to address the group on the bus PA system by shouting, "Listen up, you knuckleheads," as if that is the funniest way to address a group of peoplee in the world. The way he counts us like junior high kids when we get on the bus drives my other friend nuts.

Anyway, time to get ready for our by elephant ride with my junior high class.