Beavers Suckling Assholes

It has been a while since I've written about the topic of my blog's title, unshaved snatch. Partly this is because I've been busy with other things, like being frustrated and depressed about some personal issues (happily, mostly cleared up now) and working feverishly to finish the book and a small consulting job. Equally, I haven't seen or read anything in a while that set me off on a foaming-at-the-mouth rabid rant. That peaceful streak ends tonight.

Last week's Time Out New York was sitting on the table, where I'd been ignoring it as I have the previous few issues because I'm only waiting out the end of my subscription on this sub-par publication. This was the sex issue, and based on the naked lady hidden under a folded over flap on the cover ("Oh, look what a daring publication we produce," the pathetic attempt at publicity screamed at me), I knew it contained articles that would annoy me as much as the phrase, "Don't get your panties in a bunch, honey."

The article on snatch waxing started innocently enough. A woman explained why she likes it, and while I don't find her reasons appealing, plenty of women I know and respect agree with her. Then the quote:

A well-coifed, nice-smelling pussy is a thing of beauty, something we brag about to our friends. After the implicit moment of awe and respect you receive from you buddies, we walk about the girls with nasty boxes - how we fucked them anyway, how it was ugly, how it was tragic, how it will never happen again. On the other hand, a girl with a great-tasting, -smelling, -looking box... that girl is a princess. We wank it to her. - Henry, producer

My first reaction is to wonder if this is a joke. Are people really this fucking obnoxious? If so, my next impulse is to be mad at the female writer for not including this guy's last name. An APB should sent out immediately to ensure that this shithead never, ever gets to fuck anything but his own (hairless, nice smelling lotioned) palm again. Except that I know that there are plenty of women are dumb bitches who would fuck a guy like this anyway although he clearly has not one iota of respect for those who do, which is why I hate both men and women. And I find it hard to believe that he has any time to get pussy, what with all the discussing the status of a good cooter with his pals and then wanking it off in her memory. (Is it a circle jerk?) Seems like that would keep one busy.

Further infuriating me is this fine quote:

Nothing is more disappointing than meeting a beautiful, well put-together girl, wining and dining her, then finally getting her pants off only to discover that she is horrendously unkempt and smelly. - Tom, TV writer

Yes, because obviously anyone with pubic hair is a smelly slob who doesn't shower. Men should know this better than anyone. According to the accompanying poll, 27% of men let their pubes grow wild. Did it not occur to them that women may not like having their hairy balls in their face, especially since the logical conclusion is that hairy=smelly? (And how funny that only 7% of men "like it best" when ladies let it grow wild.) I suppose the phrasing of the question as "like it best" may be misleading. A few more guys probably tolerate us women who have better things to do with our time and money than constantly attend to our crotch hairstyles. Shit, I can barely find the time to get my head hair cut these days, let alone worry about what my pootie looks like...

Now that I have ranted and wished that people like these choke on the hot wax and douche bags that they seem to want women to use, I feel much better. Smile. Next: stay tuned for a hard-hitting investigative report on douche....