Good Bye, and Have a Nice Life!

Dr. P and another friend (Sophie) separately reported to me today that a mutual acquaintance (we’ll call her Super Annoying but Well-Meaning Person, aka SAWMP, which is sort of like swamp, which is how I felt when I spent time with her – like my limited time was slowly and torturously sinking in a pit of quicksand, so I’ll call her Swampie) called them and told them that she was getting married. Swampie invited Dr. P to her wedding, but warned her that she would probably not know anyone else there. Swampie told Sophie that the wedding was very small, and she hoped that Sophie would not be offended if she was only invited to an engagement party (which is a whole other rant). Dr. P and Sophie were intrigued that I was not invited to either.

Dr. P and I met Swampie at one of Sophie’s parties. Sophie knew that Swampie was annoying and clingy, but did not warn me, and since Swampie was one of the only other non-uber-religious Jews at the party, she fooled me into thinking she was an interesting person. The problem was that she is not. This is not to say that Swampie is not kind and thoughtful; she very much is. (Whereas I am not.) But I subsequently discovered that she bored the fuck out of me and I did not want to hang out with her.

Telling her straight out that I thought she was very nice, but extremely lame, would have been horrible, so I tried to do the silent dump. (For those of you not familiar with this battle tactic, it involves never, ever, under any circumstances, returning the future dumpee’s calls or emailing them back. If you stupidly answer the phone when the dumpee rings your home because you do not have call waiting, the key is to immediately say you are busy and offer to call back. Then don’t. Eventually, the dumpee should figure out that you are an asshole who does not want to be friends and are weirdly trying not to hurt her feelings by saying this to her face. Then she will hate you and dump you, and you will be rid of her.) The silent dump went on for at least three years. Every time I thought I was free and answered my cell phone without worry when a strange number appeared, it would be her and the whole cycle would start all over again.

I felt incredibly guilty, and tried to overcome my dislike of her and once in awhile agreed to hang out with Swampie and Dr. P. (Dr. P has an amazing ability to tune people out and ignore the waves of annoyingness a person projects, which is probably the only reason she is still a friend of mine and definitely why she found Swampie tolerable and continued their friendship.) After restraining myself from strangling Swampie during those outings, I swore to end things. Personally, I thought it would be better to tell her that things were not working out between us, but Dr. P and Sophie assured me that it was kinder to be a bitch and ignore her. I don’t know.

The point is that it finally worked: she has not called me in eons, and is clearly not inviting me to either of her soirées. The irony is that the only reason she met her fiancé is because of me. I was sick of hearing her whine about needing to meet a nice Jewish guy, so I encouraged her to join jdate. (I also reasoned that if she did find a male companion, she’d be too busy to call me, and I’d be rid of her.) She followed my advice, and eventually met a guy she fell in love with, which was good. Although she didn’t initially stop calling me, which was bad. In fact it was worse, because I really loathed her boyfriend and on the rare occasions I agreed to meet up with them, my pain was ten fold. (I found him sleazy and creepy, which Dr. P and Sophie also told me I could not say to her, even with the best of intentions.) Even though I behaved despicably throughout this whole “friendship,” I seem to have done a mitzvah. I admit that after I heard the news about their pending nuptials from Sophie this morning, for a split second I was actually annoyed that I was not included, given my role in bringing the happy couple together. Then I realized I was being completely insane and breathed a huge sigh of relief.

So mazel tov to Swampie and the Sleaze Bag, and a big thank you for not inviting me to partake in the festivities. I wish them a happy and healthy marriage and all the best! (Especially if it does not involve me.)