Q: What's more socially awkward than me at a big launch party for The Panelist where I don't know many people?
A: Me at a big launch party for The Panelist where I don't many people and I have the most toxic gas known to man.
I spent the day mostly holding my gas in because I don't want to get fired from my internship because I killed the associate editor after she asphyxiated because she could not breathe in the foul air I created. When I arrived home in the evening, I hoped that non-stop farting would empty the gas pocket before I left for the party. Husband came home 45 minutes later.
"What smells so awful?" he asked as he walked into the apartment.
"Sorry, I was farting in the kitchen," I replied meekly.
"Damn, woman!" he exclaimed. I think he was partly impressed.
Unfortunately, the gas I released merely stank up my domicile. It did not go away by the time we left for the event. You know things are bad when you fart outside in a strong wind and you can still smell it. In the wind competition, I beat Mother Nature.
I did a nice job holding back for 90 minutes while on the subway and at the party, but I thought I should leave before I poisoned my friend's apartment. I was horribly uncomfortable. Plus, I couldn't risk losing my other writing gig by gassing the publisher, editor, and all of their friends and supporters.
I hope I'll be better in the morning, but if you are supposed to have plans with me later today, bring a gas mask. Don't say I didn't warn you.
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You should bring gas masks with you. I say this not only as someone who has plans with you today, but as a caring human bean.
ReplyDeleteI laughed so long at "I was farting in the kitchen." Ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I have terrible gas in ballet class, so I'll pop into the bathroom for like 12 seconds. I'm sure they can all hear me through the tiny hollow door.
I hope you're feeling better! OS farted on my uncle was annoying me greatly at our family reunion in Joliet. I was very pleased by this farting by proxy.
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one who enjoys smelling their own farts? I think it's a dirty little secret that many people love whiffing their own. Other people's farts smell awful, however.
ReplyDeleteI do that at the most inappropriate times as well, such as while babysitting or in the middle of the street. Or, my personal favorite, in a cab.
ReplyDeleteI had to fart the other night in a patient's room. I would've left for a sec, but she was pushing and I was required to be at bedside. I got it out silently. L&D rooms are stinky even without farting nurses. I totally got away with it.
ReplyDeleteBUSTED!
ReplyDeleteI was probably too drunk to notice you contributions to greenhouse gas. (You know methane is 4 times more potent a greenhouse gas than CO2).
I thought you were just hanging out outside with the smokers because you were trying to be cool. Now I know the real reason.
David (aka Publisher of ThePanelist.com)
p.s. we still love you more than ever. As you read in our editorial policy - full disclosure is very important for all our writers at The Panelist.