I'm Too (Un)Sexy for My Blog

I read a thought-provoking post by Jean Satterwhite (Sometimes you need some Sex and the City before Housework and the Suburbs) on BlogHer. The gist of her writing was something I could mostly relate to in the sense that I have been with Husband for over 11 years and sometimes I do miss the excitement of how it was when we first started dating. However, one thing she wrote made me pause.

I wanted to wear heels that would probably make me stumble more than once, but would make me feel sexy.

Why is it that only things that are uncomfortable to wear are sexy? This is a question that I have tried to address in many forms but still cannot understand. If shoes are going to make you fall down, how are they sexy? If they are painful, as I always find heels to be because of the amount of pressure that winds up on the ball of my foot, how is that sexy? Does being sexy mean that deep down inside, you just wish that you were wearing fuzzy bunny slippers but you manage to keep smiling?

(A long time ago, I read an article by a guy (not sure if it was online or in a magazine) who said that he had been raised by his mom and several older sisters, all of whom were feminists. As a result, he always worried about the comfort of his dates when they showed up tottering on heels. One day a date took him to task and told him that instead of worrying about her well-being, he should sit back and appreciate the sacrifices she was making in order to be sexy. Since then, he said that he has never been concerned about his dates again, and gives his thanks to that woman for making him understand that women want to be in pain for their men. “Nooooo!” I screamed when I read this conclusion. I really wanted to hunt that woman down and slap her for ruining one of the few decent guys out there.)

It does seem like the items that women are supposed to wear to be sexy are all ridiculous. Stilletos, push up bras, corsets, thongs, and g-strings are all uncomfortable. Why is it that things that make a woman sexy are all things that make a woman constrained, pinched, or pulled? OK, maybe garters are not so bad. I’ve never worn them, so I can’t say. They seem like they’d be fine, although in my case I know I would wind up with chub rub (my little name for thigh chafing) if I didn’t have my upper thighs covered completely, so that would suck.

I once bought a push up bra on accident and when I put it on, I did not understand why anyone would want a boob shelf to rest her chin on. (This was back when I was a DD. Do people with DDs need more cleavage? No, they really do not. Support so that they do not sag, yes! Hoisting them up to your neck, no. Trust me on this.) Yet now Victoria’s Secret is promoting sports bras that are push up bras so that women can feel “sexy” at the gym. I understand that even less than I understand a regular push up bra. When I work out, I want my tits smashed as flat to my chest as possible. Giant (even small) bouncing boobs hurt like hell. And they look about as sexy as the flab that jiggle under my upper arms. I’ve noticed that most of the women in my gym seem to think that looking sexy while working entails being fit and wearing yoga pants with a basic sports bra that supports what they’ve got. (Although recently I did see a woman with a sports bra top where the back was entirely see-through mesh. I was not sure how on earth that baby did not itch like hell as she sweated profusely in it. Maybe the mesh helped the sweat evaporate faster?)

At any rate, I don’t think grimacing in pain but pretending to be fine is sexy. I don’t think taking baby steps so that I don’t stumble too much in my heels is sexy, either. (Then again, I have been known to practically break my ankle while wearing Danskos – those things have no fucking ankle support, although they have great arch support and are super comfy - and losing my balance on a crack in the sidewalk. No one would accuse Dansko clogs of being sexy.) Comfort is pretty sexy though. Being happy wearing jeans, a t-shirt (preferably one with a political message) and Keds saddle shoes/Dansko clogs/John Fluevog knee high chunky sole boots/gym shoes and having your partner accept you as you are, even if you happen to look like a 14 year old boy, is also damn sexy.

Although even having said all that, I never particularly feel sexy. I always look like a schlumpf. Even all gussied up, I look like a schulumpf who is decked out and complaining that her feet hurt. So maybe that is what I have against all this stuff. Nah.