The Great Memorial Day Weekend Dildo Debacle of '07

My dearest friend Dr. P is leaving NYC for the fine state of Florida in less than a week. Tonight a select group of ladies (plus Husband and Brother-in-Law) gathered at my apartment to have cake in her honor. As we were slurping down the ice cream cake Dr. H brought, I asked her to tell us her favorite surgery story from the past five years.

"Well, there was the time a guy came to the ER after he perforated his colon with a dildo," she began.

We laughed and leaned in closer to hear more.

"His wife brought him in, and she wasn't sure which dildo he had used - the 8 inch one or the 12 incher..." As she related the sad story, I decided that a visual aid would be good. I ran into my room and grabbed the dildo that I won in a fundraising raffle last March (which is also when the picture was taken).Sadly, only one of the google eyes that Husbadn had taped on it remained. (Tape and silicon don't work well together.)

Dashing back into the dining room, I whipped it out and reminded everyone that this was only an 8 inch dildo.

"Let me see that!" Dr. P said. I handed it over. Dr. H and Dr. P inspected it closley. "Ewwwwww! There's hair on it!"

"What?!?! Let me see that!" I snatched it back. This thing is too scary to use. More importantly, I was mortified to think that they would believe that I was slovenly enough to use a dildo and not only not clean it up, but then share it with a dining room full of people. I got very defensive. "Of course there's hair on it! There is also a thick layer of lint and dust clinging to its thickly veined shaft and a google eye stuck to its head!" I was desperate for people to believe that I am not completely disgusting. They just laughed and laughed, making me more flustered.

Eventually, I sheepishly put my object d'art back in my room, Dr. P finished telling her surgical dildo retrieval stories, and Dr. H threw in one of her own from when she was a med student. (Some guy stuck a travel toothbrush case up his ass while consorting with a prostitute and it got stuck.)

Ultimately, that's what brings me to Memorial Day. Words of wisdom to our soldiers as they travel the world and use the services of prostitutes or even local woman: be careful. Doctors will make fun of you after they pull foreign objects out of your ass. Also, if you want to use a dildo to illustrate a point, wipe it down first. Silicone is sticky shit unless you are trying to affix google eyes with tape, and you don't want to be embarrassed, regardless of whether it has been used or just sits around your cabin collecting dust.

I'm just saying.