"Oh my God" is one of those phrases that requires context. In some settings, it expresses indignation or irritation. In others, it conveys mortification or embarrassment. It can also be used to show different types of excitement, if you get my drift.
While I say, "Oh my God," frequently in all ways, yesterday the link between "Oh my God" as please-ground-open-and-swallow-me-this-minute and heavy breathing formed in my mind. I was working on my book about the trials and tribulations of growing up, and began a chapter on sexual awakening. As I wrote about the time I asked my mom how babies were made when I was in fourth grade, I was immediately transported back in time…. (Cue flashback/excerpt.)
I turned to my mom for enlightenment. Every fall and spring, we had a "girl's night out" where she took me shopping for new clothes for the upcoming season, as I generally outgrew everything from the prior year. It was just the two of us, my dad staying home with my sister. In the fateful year of the bra, I decided to revisit the whole where babies come from issue while were shopping for t-shirts and shorts that I could stuff my roly poly figure into without looking obscene.
Really, though, by the spring of 1986, did any kids still ask their parents where babies come from? No! Most had enough common sense to learn about it in less embarrassing ways: from older kids or by digging through the library for books like, "Where Did I Come From?" Kids who were even nerdier than me might have waited an extra year and figured this shit out in the "sex ed lite" we were given in 5th grade, with the boys herded off to one room with the male junior high teachers and the girls shuttled into another, so we could learn about wet dreams, periods, and where babies come from. (Some kids probably learned about sex by reading their dad's stashes of porn mags, but I'd argue that this does not actually teach anyone where babies come from, so it doesn't count.) The point is, I am the only fourth grader dorky enough to decide to ask my mom.
Closing time was approaching at Old Orchard mall, and my mom and I walked toward one last shop before the clock struck 9:00, and I turned into an unclothed pumpkin for the summer. The April air was cool on my face. I appreciated that it would be hard to see my face in the dark. The time was right. I took a deep breath.
"Mom," I said began nervously, then spat out the rest, "How are babies made?"
I grabbed her hand and held it tightly once the words escaped my lips, but I could not look at her.
She grabbed my hand back just as tightly, maybe out of surprise that I asked, but definitely uncomfortable. "The parents have sex," she replied in a straightforward manner. "The husband places the penis in the wife's vagina."
Oh my GOD! What was I thinking, asking her this? I wanted to curl up in a ball on the ground and die of embarrassment. No wonder my other friends preferred to hear crazy stories from other kids. I had to play it cool, though.
"Oh, OK." I said. Maybe I asked some follow up questions, but if I did, I blocked them out of my memory for good reason.
For the rest of the day, I was mortified. Last night, I told Husband about what a freak I was and asked how he found out how babies were made.
"Did you ask either of your parents?" I inquired.
He laughed. "No! I'm not a fool! I waited to learn about it in school. It wasn't a burning question."
Um, thanks. Here's my question to you, Dear Reader – how did you find out how babies were made?
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I received the "Where babies come from, HIV/AIDS, other STD, and rape" talk in the 5th grade out of the blue. We were sitting in the living room (mother, father, and I) when my dad tuns the tv off and he and mom go into a question/answer portion to determine what I know. Then they filled int he blanks and added new information that would leave me curled up in the fetal position rocking myself to sleep for many years.
ReplyDeleteI don't remember a moment like that. I feel like I've always known. But I have some theories:
ReplyDeletea) big sister. But that doesn't sound right, as I was not traumatized in any way.
b) my parents probably just told me in a straightforward manner, and since I hadn't asked, I wasn't embarrassed.
c) (most likely) I had lots of books, and I know that one dealt with the human body. I probably learned it from that.
I didn't get the "safe sex" speech until after my mom found out I was already having sex. Her speech was "well, by the time I was your age, I already had your sister, so don't be like me." Thanks mom.
And thanks you, Suzannne with 3 Ns, because I was drawing a blank on what to write about today.
Learned about it in school with the rest of the geeks! And it was BRAND NEW information too. I think my parents nixed the idea of a birds-and-bees talk with me because a similarly planned one with my older brother (whence my father actually pulled the "M" encyclopedia out to teach him about menstruation) had been such a crashing flop that they just left it up to the public school system.
ReplyDeleteI saw the PBS documentary on public tv when I was 7 years old. Heh, and they say documentaries are good for children...lol. It aired every saturday at like 11pm, big mistake mom, letting me stay up late while you went to sleep, afterall I was only watching documentaries ;)
ReplyDeleteI learned about sex because, from a young age, my mom would tell me not to look during intimate scenes in movies or during trailers she felt contained sexual content. This included Animal House, which my parents decided was funny enough to expose me to at the age of five. Two years later, during my first year at sleep-away camp, the subject of sex was broached, though I don't remember how or when. All I can remember is the guilty conversation (complete with lots of crying) I had with my mom after coming back from camp, revealing that yes, I knew about sex, and yes, I knew about periods. We only really talked about the latter. After that, I consigned myself to sex ed, books, movies, and hearsay. To this day, I don't consider either of my parents to be the forebearer of any type of sexual news, and it's always a wonder to me that I know so much.
ReplyDeleteI was in the fourth grade and the book "Forever" by Judy Blume was making the rounds. Someone had gotten a copy and underlined all the "dirty parts". I, being the UberGeek I am, took the book home so I could actually READ it.
ReplyDeleteMy mom found it. And there began the speech. It's much more drawn out than that, but I'm not going to clog your comments with the details. Let's just say, I sat and listened, answered her questions as quickly as I could and hoped it would end...FAST.
My mom decided it was time to have "the talk" with me when I started menstruating. That's when I learned that my body was now capable of growing a baby. I was terrified.
ReplyDeleteI read it in a Mills & Boon. I remember the words - And he slid in her and made her moan.
ReplyDeleteI just didn't get it. How could someone get under someone's skin? A few months later , the book was confiscated by my mom and we sixth graders got sex education in school.
I say "Oh, dear lord" and "Fucking christ!" fairly often.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure when I first learned about where babies come from. I grew up on a farm, and have pretty early memories of watching animals give birth, and I also have 4 younger siblings. I do remember being absolutely mortified when I had to tell my mom that I had started my period--and she gave me a rather "interesting" talk then about birth control, etc. I didn't want to fuck anyone. I just wanted her to stop talking so I could go outside and go sledding with friends.
My mom ruled -- she gave me "Where did I come from" when I was pretty young, told me what it was about, read it with me, and told me it would be on the shelf, so I could read it any time I wanted to. I could also ask her any questions.
ReplyDeleteThen when I was approaching the 'tween years, I got one called "The Facts of Love" which was much more grown-up and had diagrams and everything. By the time we had sex ed at school, I was like a sex-pert.
I asked my mom, but I was about 2 years old and she told me they came from their mommy's tummys. about a week later (I must have been mulling it over) I asked her how they got there and she bought me "where Did I come from?" No muss, no fuss an dI was too young for anyone to be embarrassed.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a post on menstruation here
ReplyDeleteForever by Judy Blume was my introduction along with the dictionary and looking up the term sexual intercourse. Ha, it makes me laugh what I geek I am.
ReplyDeleteI was 24 and home with my parents for Christmas. I asked my dad if I could borrow some money to buy my boyfriend a present.
ReplyDeleteMe: Just, I don't know, twenty dollars.
Dad: What would you get for twenty dollars?
Me: I don't know, pyjamas or something.
Dad: He wouldn't need those. I bet he'd never wear them.
[Awkward pause]
Dad: I know what would be even better!
[I know where this is going. He's trying to embarrass me.]
Me: A box of condoms?
Dad: ... Uh, yeah.
Me: That'd be cool. Save us ten dollars.
Mom: Do they really cost that much?
At which point my dad decides it's finally time for us to have the Birds and the Bees talk.
But I do remember watching the "Where Do I Come From?" video when I was really, really young! And there was the always vague high school sex ed with bright colours and silly cartoons.
Oh, Dads. My dad was a different story. He pretty much avoided the topic until he was helping me move in with my boyfriend at 19. We were in the truck with my futon in the back, and he says " I assume your Mom has talked to you about... the birds and the bees." I was like "Yeah, I've been on birth control for two years." He seemed satisfied.
ReplyDeleteI read Forever by Judy Blume. And I got caught reading it. By a nun. During religion class. So, yeah. It's a wonder I had ONE kid, never mind four.
ReplyDeletei don't remember the exact time i learned. definitely had the 5th grade sex ed class, and i remember we were all very very grossed out by the whole sex thing and spent many lunch periods discussing wether we thought semen was like boogers....
ReplyDeleteother than that, my parents CLAIM they explained it, but i vaguely remember something about planting seeds which they deny ever saying.
in middle school i found my parent's books about sex (Kinsey report, everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask), and read both of these cover to cover.
of course there's also the time i caught my parents at it... and the time i found the pictures of them... yeah, its generally a bad idea to snoop around, you find things you NEVER wanted to see.
I remember two distinct things about sex from childhood. One was walking in on my dad while he was changing the bed in my parent's room and asking him what the stains on the mattress were. I was maybe 5. His response was "This is where your mother and I make love." So of course I thought, for years after, that people peed while having sex. That said, I also know we had a book about sex - not sure what it was called but the illustrations looked like paper dolls cut out and it explained the baby issue, complete with the weird paper couple under the bed at one point. All I remember being taught at school (prior to high school and the natural childbirth class) is the girls-only "menstruation" talk . . .
ReplyDeleteHmmm...I was in 1st grade, we were living as expats in Brazil, and I was friends with a girl, Debbie, up the street who was in 3rd grade--ergo, she knew EVERYTHING.
ReplyDeleteShe had recently found out the details and was eager to fill me in--the father puts his penis in the mother. Nine months later a baby is born. I ruminated on this one for a while, until I (augh!) walked in on my parents about to get it on. I instantly sought out my eldest sister, for confirmation of Debbie's lesson.
She was all of 11 or 12, and asked me what I knew--I told her what Debbie had told me, and she said, "Yeah, that's basically it." So, I managed to stump her when I asked, "So, can't a woman just put a stick up there to make a baby happen?" and she replied, "It just doesn't work that way--it's got to be a penis."
Oh, boy, was I grossed out--mind you, I was six. The concept was so bizarre to me, that on that day, I swore I'd NEVER do that, and that I guessed I'd never be a mom!!
Subsequent education involved the pilferage of various steamy paperbacks belonging to my mom and sisters, from about Third Grade on. I was an expert on the details by the time we had sex ed in 6th grade!! And I, too, read EVERYTHING by Judy Blume, and rest assured, that with the first name of Margaret there was endless ribbing from my peers when "Are You There, God, It's Me Margaret" was making the rounds!!