Formula Feeding and Beaver Suckling

Thanks to my friend Alex Elliot, I had quite an adventure this morning. Alex was flown to New York to appear on today's episode of The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet (the link should bring you to her clip). I tagged along for moral support. Alex was awesome, especially for a first television appearance! She had total command of the stage. I puffed my chest (with pride, not milk) as I watched her from the sideline.

Before the show, however, Mike came out to chat with the guests. Mike is the most impressive douche bag I ever met. He yammered and yowled about how it is unnatural for humans to drink the milk of other animals. I shit you not that he actually said:

Zebras suckle zebras; beavers suckle beavers, and humans should suckle humans

I could not suppress my evilest grin at that beavers comment. There's quite a lot of beaver suckling in porn, I thought.

Mike went on obliviously about how insane it is that his mom gave him a big glass of cow's milk when he was a kid. Then he said:

Why don't we just drink breast milk for our whole lives?

Um, I don't know. Maybe because that would mean that women would never have fucking lives as they become milk machines? Or that our birth rate would drop precipitously since breastfeeding women tend to be less fertile? (Although moms of "Irish twins" can attest that this is not always an effective means of birth control...)

I spent a good portion of the rest of the morning trying to figure out if Mike was seriously that stupid or just trying to stoke a reaction, with no conclusive decision. I'll laugh and laugh about "beavers suckling beavers" for the rest of my life, tough.