Before I left for Ocean City, Dr. P "visited" me during a 12 hour layover between a junket she attended in France and her return to Florida. I left The Police concert early so that I could get some time with her, but I still did not get home before the not exactly early hour of 11 pm. Throw in the time changes (it was 5 am in France), and it is a miracle that she was able to stay awake. Fortunately, she's Dr. P and has the stamina of a surgeon, so she propped her heavy eyelids open with toothpicks or whatever for a few hours so that we could catch up.
In our 90 minutes of quality time, not only did I hear about her trip and how things were going with her new life in Florida, but she also updated me on the latest innovations in minimally invasive surgery. It seems that a big article was scheduled ot appear in an important medical journal (I forgot which) about a new procedure (I forgot its name) that allows surgeons to remove body parts through existing orifices. Think about your existing openings. Yes, I am talking about pulling organs out of your vagina. (If you do not happen to have a cooter, I guess you are shit out of luck with new minimally invasive surgical procedures.) It seems that some model was afraid of the teeny tiny scar that laproscopic surgery entails, so they yanked her gall bladder out of her poonanie.
"Noooooo!" I cried and crossed my legs. "Keep your laproscopes out of my pootie!"
Dr. P laughed. Seriously, though, why on earth would you want crap stuck up your snatch when it seems just as easy to take bad organs out directly? A lot of maneuvering must be involved. What if they pull too much out? It's just fucked up. Plus, I like scars. They are a record of what a person has been through and lived to tell the tale. A scar is a proud mark of a warrior, to some extent. And scars let you know if something happened to you when you are knocked unconscious and kidnapped in Turkey. If they took your kidney out or performed a splenectomy through your vagina, you might never find out until you were dead, right?
I know I am a Luddite sometimes, but using my poontang for scarless spenectomies strikes me as nightmare fodder or even the plot of a slasher flick. My legs are locked at the knees.
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Just the thought of that is making me cringe.
ReplyDeleteIwant my vagina to be intact for other things, thank you.
ReplyDeleteI have a teeny tiny scar from when my gall bladder was removed. It's about an inch below my boobs and maybe 1/2 an inch long. Nobody even sees it unless I point it out and then they squint for a long time.
But I guess that if I was a model I wouldn't want even that teeny tiny scar because there is absolutely no technology that would hide it on film.
ps - did you know that Marilyn Monroe had a giant scar dissecting her torso? It's a wonder she could have been any sort of sex symbol at all.
I'm having trouble with the concept -- my vagina is not just a tunnel to my innards. It's a closed loop, you know? I'm not like one of those cows with the window in its side. To get to my guts and pull something out, they're going to have to do some cutting, and that cutting would happen inside the girlie bits. I think not.
ReplyDeleteI dunno. I saw LBJ's gall bladder scar and that thing was UGLY! Of course, that WAS 40-some years ago. Maybe they have made some progress that doesn't involve cooters since then.
ReplyDeleteHey - 3 previous comments, 3 of my favorite bloggers!
Yiiiiiikes. Couldn't she ask that a plastic surgeon be present if scarring was that big of a concern? Rub some vitamin E on it??
ReplyDeleteAlthough at this point, having had midwives in up to their elbows anyway, maybe I should not be so squeamish.
just to explain a little bit more. the procedure is called "natural orifice endoscopic surgery" or NOTES for short. it involves going through usually the mouth/stomach, though some cases have been done thru the vagina. and yes, a surgeon has to make a hole in organ in order to perform the surgery and remove the specimen. the hole is then closed on the way out. this is experimental so far. it was started in india, and a lot of work is being done in france, on pigs. a few human cases have been done. the jury is out so far as to wether this will be crazy or useful. for more info, i included two web links i found.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2007-08-05-galbladder_N.htm
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/518739
With all due respect to the Doctor, holy crap. From a pig's twot to mine.
ReplyDeleteActually, I had a cyst removed from my ovary twenty years ago and they grabbed it through my aforementioned vagina. Actually, they drained it with a needle. I had intercourse with a syringe, I guess. The cyst was conveniently located, apparently. All of these medical students came in and I was like, could we get those guys out? Now? It was swell not to have a scar, but I'm still leery of going in through one hole and grubbing around for a crazed appendix or an extra kidney.
On a related topic, when you - Suzanne - first wrote about "Dr. P" I thought it was a cute little pseudonym for your period. I became utterly confused when Dr. P not only interrupted a concert, but then had enough stamina to remain awake through heavy eyelids?!
I had a c-section with my first son (and also with my second) and I still remember a few days later standing in the shower and feeling something push it's way down and fall out my who-who. It was a big blood clot and although I was physically fine I was completely weirded out from the sensation of the clot coming out and the fact that it looked like a chicken heart. It weirds me out to just to think about it. I can't imagine how an organ taken out via the private route.
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