"C" is for Cursing

Yesterday Husband and I went to Chicago. We had an early morning flight, and to celebrate our anniversary, we wore our wedding clothes. Since the big day six years ago, husband lost about 40 lbs and I lost about 10. When Husband removed his tux jacket, he looked like he was wearing clown pants. You could stuff kilos of drugs down those things, and yet no one from the TSA said a word. Yes, I feel very safe flying. We learned that people at airports at 6 am on holiday weekends are very, very hostile and angry. Almost no one even looked at us as we wandered to our gate in a wedding gown, veil, and tux.

When my parents picked us up, they gave us some warnings about things that changed at their house since we had last been there in December. For example, if you want to flush the toilet in the upstairs bathroom, it is essential to be sure that there is no one sitting on the toilet in the doenstairs bathroom, or else they will be douched by a shit/piss geyser. My dad insisted the plumbing is fine, and he just needs to plunge the upstairs toilet. The obvious next quetion is why did this not happen before they had guests, but whatever. That is how it goes with Jewish white trash. Better not to ask. They also have an old computer with a dial up connection to AOL that is so slow that Blogger can't load. Needless to say, I won't be online very frequently in the next few days. (I'm impinging on the generosity of a friend to write this up.)

At night, we went to a belated 60th birthday party for my dad. During dessert, my mom asked if anyone wanted the frosting flowers from her piece of cake by shouting, "Anyone want my flowers?" Of course, sister and I cracked up. In a mocking voice, my sister asked if her teddy bears and butter biscuit were also up for grabs. "Teddy bears" and butter biscuits" is my grandmother's special slang for "breasts" and "vaginas." My grandmother was mortified that Dana would say such vile things in public, as if anyone else had a clue as to what she was talking about. My mom turned to my grandma and baited her, saying, "Don't act all innocent. You go around saying the c-word."

"C word? You mean cunt?" Granny got a gleam in her eye. "Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt," she chanted softly for several minutes. This caused my cousin to excitedly raise her fist in victory. "It's like Thanksgiving 2005 all over again!"

And thus a good time was had by all.