I've never really liked change. I try to be adaptable in most cases, but I'm very stubborn. I'm the oldest of four kids. My parents always put me in charge of my brothers and sister and I think I've developed a bit of a control-freak personality. Because of this, change is something I need to be prepared for.
Take for example, my theories on parenting Dawson. I generally rule when it comes to anything related to my son. Poor Doug is often left behind when it comes to my opinion of "My Way or the Highway".
I don't do it to be mean or spiteful; I just always feel that I'm the "better" parent, even though Doug is a wonderful father.
I even have these moments of stress where I get angry that he doesn't take more control of the parenting reigns only to dislike, even dread the way he handles certain situations with Dawson.
I don't know why I act that way! Is it genetics? My mother was the primary caregiver because my father worked hard and often long hours. Is it instinctual? Do women feel that we have to be the rulers of our children and our mates are incompetent sidekicks?
Maybe it's a disease I've become infected with? Maybe it's the "Super Mommy Syndrome" and we can't cure it. We just have to have everything perfect and in its place and our children need to be dressed perfectly and disciplined well and perfect manners to boot?
I admit my two year old has no capacity for manners. He doesn't know the word "please". But in my delusional Super Mommy World, I feel he's the image of perfection.
Things will never change. I'll always think that I have to be in control. I'll never change. Change can be good, but yet I can't handle it. Even the slightest shift in parenting power -- giving a bit more control power to Doug -- it may kill me. What ever will I do? Do other mother's feel this way, too?
*Dana resides in (cold!) Wisconsin with her husband Doug, two-year-old son Dawson and a Boston Terrier named Murphy. She blogs about anything and everything at The Dana Files. You can find Suzanne at her place today!
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Hello to guest writter Dana from Suzanne's friend Mara. I just wanted you to know that I am supposed to be giving birth sometime next week and recently had a conversation with my husband about my fears about parenthood. Chief among them were: I will be a bad mother. He will not help as much as I would like. Or worse, he will help, and he will either make me feel like a failure as a parent (my insecurities, not through anything he will say or do) or I will ultimately prevent him from helping because I will belittle him for doing things differently than I do. So while I can't yet call myself a mother, I can say that at least one other woman feels the way you do!
ReplyDeleteYou know. I just get too tired to do everything -- and I have come to realize that they (ahem the men) have great instincts too -- when given the chance (read: forced into it).
ReplyDeleteWhile it may hurt to watch "the dad" provide comfort or be the wanted one, it is so important for children to have multiple people love them. Both my husband and I came from mothers who limited the fathers. I want my man to have a full and close relationship with all three kids.
ReplyDeleteEven if that means riling them up before bedtime and I have to calm them down.
You girls give such great advice! Thank you! I guess I have to force myself to let go once in awhile but it's so darn hard!
ReplyDeleteSometimes, my husband will tell me to go shopping without Dawson and when I do, I feel guilty about leaving Dawson home. With his Dad. Isn't that insane???? I need a therapist or something!
At least once a year I visit CUSS's very own Suzanne (my younger son's fabulous godmother) and my husband enjoys not being "micromanaged" as he calls it. Seriously, though since I'm a SAHM it's hard because I'll see the way he does something and know it's probably not the best way to do it. Case in point: if you give the baby smaller spoonfuls of baby food it won't get all over his shirt and require stain remover. On the other hand, no matter how hard I try, he is much much better at potty training, baths and bed time rituals than I am. Basically all the stuff I hate so I can't complain too much.
ReplyDeleteAlex,
ReplyDeleteJust because someone does something differently from how you would do it, doesn't mean it is "not the best way to do it." The chutzpah!!! :-)
-The Big Giraffe
Oooo...spousally fight on CUSS. Alright then, Big Giraffe, I hand over the mighty torch of Shout Stain Remover to you.
ReplyDeleteThis is funny....a fight!
ReplyDeleteeep - and I was just about to add that I have to (sometimes) back off and let my husband do things his way and that they (sometimes) work ... it's hard to do, for sure, but mommy needs a break every now and then!
ReplyDeletebut, now, so as not to get in the middle of The Tiff, I won't. :D
My partner (Horatio) and I both love our children equally and both play an important role in their upbringing. We are both fathers and each have our own insecurities, though they are obviously not gender based. To be honest, Horatio does sometimes feel insecure when he dons his man boobs to breast feed our baby. To make him feel better, I ever so gently comb his luxuriously long mustache.
ReplyDelete