Don't push that button...

One day in college, I came home to find my roommate Kay running around in a semi-panic.
“What’s wrong,” I innocently asked.
“I’ve just got to do laundry today,” she said breathlessly. “I’m out of clean crotch cloths.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask incredulously.
“You know the white washcloth I keep hanging on the towel bar on the back of the door?” I nod. “Well, that’s my crotch cloth. I use special white washcloths to wash my snatch. You can’t use your hands for that.”
I make a face. “I wash other parts of my body with my hands. Why aren’t they good enough to cleanse the poon?”
She sighs like I am an idiot. “Nothing except a guy’s dick or his hands should rub your snatch. Otherwise that’s masturbating. Women shouldn’t masturbate.”
“Really? No touching anything but a guy to your crotch? What about using tampons – does that count? I use tampons and I’m pretty sure that I’ve never gotten off on shoving a cotton stick up my twat. Nor do I usually find it erotic to shower and wash my crotch with my hands.” But what do I know, right?

Kay confirmed that no tampons shall invade her sacred space and that no self-touching shall occur. She didn’t explain why females should not masturbate, nor did she explain why using a soft washcloth prevents an erotic shower, but the conversation clearly made her suspicious of my potential self-pleasuring ways, as she began to lock her Glenn Danzig hard core porn collection in her file cabinet. I think she was afraid I might get the pages ooky if I ever got my vagina-stained grubby hands on them.

I didn’t think it was a good time to tell Kay that her washcloth was not as pure as she believed it was. It was small, and sometimes would fall off the towel rack and onto the floor. A few times I didn’t notice it and had stepped on it before I hung it back up. I repeated my conversation about the crotch cloth to several friends, who also confessed to having unknowingly handled it in some way or another. So probably, in terms of cleanliness, Kay should have risked an accidental orgasm and washed herself with her own fingers.