I'm Melting

I mentioned to someone that I do not understand why in the world women would wear pointy toed shoes that make them look as if they were the wicked witch and Dorothy just fell on them with her house. She informed me that women feel that it makes their feet look slimmer. OK then. You know, though, I’ve never seen drag queens wearing pointy toed shoes. So it is clear to me that you have to have a special kind of self-hatred to wear a pair of extremely narrow shows that pinch your feet as much as possible – so much so that you might actually come to believe that it makes sense to have parts of your foot removed so you can wear your monstrosities more comfortably – to punish yourself for having the nerve to be a woman. It’s actually very sad, and so I think I may have to stop mocking women who wear pointy toed shoes. Ha ha ha – nah, their adults and made their choices, so I might as well have some fun. Let’s start with this scary “boot:”

This is a Jimmy Choo boot that costs - I swear to God - $1,440. If I really hated myself, this would be a good investment. First, you might notice that it is gold lame. While I am of Russian Jewish heritage, I am Americanized enough to understand that it is wrong when white people wear gold lame. Second, I see that this boot was designed for a person with only one toe. Oddly enough, I have five, as do most women. If I wanted to punish myself, trying to jam all five toes into this boot would be very effective. I'd repent whatever sin I committed very quickly, probably before even walking a few steps. (But I'm a wuss that way.) The final problem I have with this boot is the way the front of the boot slopes into the top of the foot. I have feet made of flesh, not wood or metal. This would probably dig into my flesh.

If I saw someone walking down the street in these shoes, I would be tempted to mug her because I know that a. she has enough money to blow $1,440 on these boots; b. she is obviously blind as she cannot see how hideous they are; and c. she sure as fuck could not very effectively chase me. I would give all the money in her purse to a nonprofit organization that helps landmine victims. Because those are people who appreciate their limbs.