A CUSS Service Announcement: Protect Your Precious Snatch ASAP

Thanks to Plain Jane Mom, I know now all about the Bikini Line Genie. Yes, this miracle product from a company billing itself as Empowered Women Products (because shaving your pootie without fear of slicing off your clit is so empowering!) will change your life. Don’t believe me? Why, just read this quote from Wendy Chapin, female inventor extraordinaire:

At Last An Easy And Simple Way To Attract ALL Seductive Eyes On Your Beautiful Body and Show Off Your Sexy Shape With Safe Hair Removal And Personal Body Protection During Tanning, Waxing, Grooming, Or Any Other Type Of Personal Hygiene Care In Less Than 7 Minutes At A Rock-Bottom Price... Guaranteed Or Your Money Back!

Whew! I am so excited that a product that will help me “Attract ALL Seductive Eyes” to my fucking crotch is finally available! Nothing made me more depressed in the past than not attracting all seductive eyes to my box. And it’s a good thing that this only attracts all seductive eyes, not those regular eyes. That’s just nasty when regular eyes ogle my cooter. Seriously! I feel so empowered!

Just in case you are somehow not convinced that this product empowers women, the website provides a testimonial from a doctor - that’s right, Dr. Phil Sheridan, PhD, technical director of Lendell Manufacturing, says:

Finally!!! A product that is specifically designed to be used in a woman's personal care! The Bikini Line Genie is the answer to protect a woman's features for those women who choose to groom in their own personal style… The Bikini Line Genie allows for worry-free protection ANY time when worn. Bikini Line Genie can be worn with no fear of embarrassment.

Oh my lord! Did this technical director just call my nether regions “a woman’s features?” How…. Technical! He seems so qualified to be giving advice on vaginal/vulva care, what with his PhD in some subject that makes him a technical expert on manufacturing and all. More important, he understands how embarrassing it can be to wear vaginal protection while grooming in our personal style, and I feel so reassured that I need not be embarrassed to protect my poonanie with the product he is hawking.

Sure, Wendy Chapin, a woman who understands the dilemma posed by risk of injury while shaving or dying your hidden curlies, and Dr. Phil Sheridan, PhD, technical director of manufacturing, are convincing. In fact, you probably aren’t even reading this any more because you clicked on the link to Bikini Line Genie and are buying it this very second to fill that hole in your life (or should I say cover?), but just in case you are still not convinced, there’s an even more pressing reason to buy Bikini Line Genie: modesty. Yes, this handy little product will protect your modesty when you go to the salon for your Brazilian wax. I have no idea how because if you use it, you can’t possibly be getting a Brazilian wax but not one, but two (two!) testimonials from waxers say this is true.

Bikini Line Genie seems to bring a certain comfort ability to Brazilian waxing with the more modest of clients. – Jacki Davis, Anew U beauty Therapy

It allows the client protection and a form of coverage as some clients are very modest. – Teddy Vaquera, Teddy’s Facial Therapies: A journey for the mind and spirit

Yes, preservation of modesty! What an important, essential benefit in such a crass and crude society. And yet, the Bikini Line Genie will help attract ALL Seductive Eyes to your most modest features…

Anyway, thanks again to Plain Jane Mom for the tip. Now that I know about Wendy, Dr. Phil Sheridan, and the miracles of the Bikini Line Genie, my life will never be the same. It’s much funnier.