My Worst Date Ever

My first year at NYU, I had a crappy work-study job at the student newspaper in the classifieds department. I was somewhat friendly with one of my co-workers, Paul Snatchco. (Seriously, that was his real name, although it might have been spelled Snatchko.) I think the only reason that I contemplated friendship with Paul at all was because his last name is so damn awesome, since he was a fat, horny, foaming at the mouth anti-choice Catholic. (One day at work he asked me to read what he earnestly described as an objective paper on abortion that he wrote for a class. The paper’s opening paragraph was about babies in the womb crying and screaming as they are mercilessly torn out by surgical tools wielded by evil doctors during abortions. I told him it was the most trashy bullshit that I’ve ever read, and that he needed to learn what the definition of objective really is.)

Anyway, one evening I went to hang out with Mr. Snatchco and his friends, whom I’d never met. I, for slightly inexplicable reasons, became interested in his arrogant/insecure friend Dan. I also became friendly with Dan and Paul’s other crew members, Peter and John, and often joined them for lunch or dinner in the dining hall. (My friend and I began calling Dan’s posse “the Disciples” since their names were Peter, John, and Paul. That still cracks me up.) To make a long story short, in early December, I asked Dan if he wanted to see a movie and was elated when he said yes.

Sadly, this turned out to be the worst date I ever went on, although at least far more amusing in retrospect to what had been the worst date I ever had prior to this date, at which my date spent a part of the evening calling cab drivers “turbanheads” and cursing them out as he sped along the Kennedy Expressway unsafely. (You’ll all be reassured to know that this fine gentleman is in the military in Iraq now, helping the “towelheads” get democracy.) Anyway, back to my worst date ever. I knew things would not go well when Dan showed up with Peter in tow. “Hmmm...” I thought, “Maybe he misunderstood my invitation.” We took the subway to Lincoln Center, which back then seemed worlds away to me, and bought tickets for “Immortal Beloved.” (Which I never would have chosen on my own, but I’m glad I saw it because it was great.)

The theater was packed, but we managed to find three seats together. Then right before the previews began, Dan said he had to do something and would be right back. The previews started to roll. No sign of Dan. I was fidgeting and worrying where he went. The movie began. No sign of Dan. Now I was really anxious. Peter told me to relax, that he’d be back. Dan never returned to his seat, and I again point out that it was an amazing movie because I enjoyed it despite the circumstances. When the movie ended, Peter and I got up to leave and I wondered if Dan had left before the film, when he popped up out of nowhere to go back with us. The asshole fucking sat somewhere else to watch the movie. I was highly annoyed. What the fuck was that all about?!?!

We talked about the movie on the subway trip back to Christopher Street. When our stop finally came, we all got up and moved toward the doors. I got off the train. Peter exited the train. Dan walked back to his seat and sat down. The train doors closed, and off he went to some mystery destination.
I was fuming. I ranted to Peter about what a fucking asshole Dan was and if he hadn’t wanted to go, he should have just said so instead of ditching me. What kind of dickhead does this to someone?!?! Peter was sympathetic. He said that Dan’s behavior was totally unacceptable and that I deserved someone who would treat me much better. A little alarm went off in my head: I was set up. It was true that Dan never intended to go on a date with me, but Peter did. Since they both knew that I was interested in Dan, and would turn Peter down if he asked me out, what better way to get me on a date with Peter than to have me go out with Dan and Peter and have Dan ditch us so it could turn into a date with Peter and he’d win me over by soothing my hurt feelings after being treated badly? Now I knew that Dan was the kind of dickhead who knew that his friend liked the girl who liked him, so he tried to help his friend, which is really sweet in a fucked up way. It’s some seriously fucked up logic and a fairly diabolical plan from my standpoint, but I have to admit that it was clever. Unfortunately for Peter, I still had no interest in him. I just had hurt feelings and, ultimately, a good story to tell about my worst date (or is it dates?) ever.