Off to college I went. I met people. I horrified my roommates who couldn’t believe that I had engaged in oral sex and yet not had vaginal intercourse. I met more people. I went home for winter break and was still a virgin. Again, not for lack of trying - either my flirting skills were in serious need of work or I was just barking up the wrong trees, although it was probably a combination of both. I was a fatty in a sea of hot NYU undergrads. Not too many guys are on the prowl for fat poon if they can get it elsewhere. I think one anti-choice student would have had sex with me, but I had a very strict policy against fucking anyone who would try and force me to have a baby in the event of a contraception failure. Plus he was a gross sycophant who also would’ve fucked any willing woman. (Refer to My Worst Date Ever if you want a hint as to who this is.) I still wasn’t that desperate.
Magic happened upon my return. I was minding my own business at a political club meeting one day when someone said something extremely witty. I looked up. There he was – a cute redhead. Why had I not noticed him before? It was so obvious. He was incredibly smart, super funny, and had that sweet dorkiness to him that I always fall for. I set my sights on dating him and making him the first person I slept with.
The funny thing about this plan was how well it worked. On one hand, you’d never think it would. He was a business student who dreamed of immense wealth. I was a socialist democrat who wore Doc Martens with a hammer and sickle insignia on each and couldn’t wait to redistribute wealth from people like him. Yet we were extremely well suited for each other. (TMI – Too Much Information - Warning for the Following Sentence) Within three weeks of dating, we were fucking like mad. It was fun. I didn’t worry about him mocking my fat ass to his friends in the locker room. (He never went into locker rooms.) I graduated and we moved in together. Three years after that, we got married.
And that’s why the plan worked too well: I married the only guy I’d slept with. What kind of crap ass liberal has sex with only one person in her entire life?!? Here’s the cheesy part: I wouldn’t have it any other way. As my friend recently said, I’m a one man cunt.
And thus ends the virgin saga.
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Awww...what a sweet ending to an oddly disturbing story. LOL.
ReplyDeleteWell, since my husband doesn't read YOUR blog (but he does read mine), I'll post the very abbreviated version here:
ReplyDelete15, depressed, skater boy wears me down. Turns out to be an asshole. I find comfot in ...
kind blond skater/volleyball player whose love-letter spelling I correct (!) and who is still one of my best friends (!) but he's crazy for Susie Klingler, so
Japanese drama not-gay (just a great dresser with a love for Madonna) boyfriend takes over. Sadly, we break up after senior year, and I go to college and meet
guitarplaying blond mullet with gorgeous blue eyes. He's sweet, but I kind of fall for
ugly Star Trek nerd. I still don't know why. It didn't last long, and I missed the nookie, so
my buddy and I got it on. But just once before I met
my first husband, which was really a terrible mistake. I was depressed afterwards, and fell for
the Tower Books employee who looked kind of like Cat Stevens. But he wasn't that interested, apparently, so it didn't last. But I had another
buddy, a hot punk rocker with dreads. He was lousy, sadly, but a great kisser. So I went to a poetry reading and met, to my eternal shame,
Zippy the Pinhead. Just once, man. It went up from there, to
Meat, my gothic Air Force friend and lovah, and then on to another long-termer,
Ash. Nice guy, committment-phobe with other various issues. I lost 50 pounds, and bought a house and he dumped me. Pleasantly. Then there was one lonely birthday, at which there was a
birthday party attendee whom I'd eaten Tapas with. He was really boring. And then last, most,
My husband.
You know, for some reason I thought my number was higher. Maybe I'm missing someone. Should I count girls, you think?
Sheesh. What a whore.
Oh yeah, drunk dialer, the one Gynagirl and I have in common.
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