Things are Not Always as They Seem, or Meet the OMC!

I know that we are already a month into 2006, but I feel compelled to admit that I made a terrible discovery 2005: I have more in common with the assholes on the religious right than I do with normal liberals. Seriously, I am the biggest goodie-two-shoes ever. (OK, that title belongs to my mom, but I’m not close behind. The apple definitely does not fall from the tree in our case.) People frequently think that I must have had some wild youth, since I swear a lot and say any old inappropriate thing that comes to mind. I even had a (poorly written) sex column in college in 1995. But, no – I am actually very boring, just like some candy ass from the religious right. For example:

• I have never tried, nor do I intend to try, any drugs of any sort. Not even pot.

• I never smoked regular cigarettes.

• I’ve never been drunk (and in fact hate alcohol – nasty shit with a lot of calories).

• I’ve only had sex with one person in my entire life, and I am married to him.

I think the last one brings on more dead silence than any of my other boring, religious right traits. I was talking to two friends earlier this summer about another friend of ours who is a freelance writer. She was interviewing people for an article on women who have had STDs. I casually noted/confessed that I was the worst possible interviewee for that article, as I have only had sex with one guy and that guy has only had sex with me.

My friends literally stared at me for a full minute. I tried to justify my utter nerdiness by pointing out that I started dating this guy when I was 19 and we’ve been together for 10.5 years now, so there wasn’t really any opportunity for flings with other people. My friend said, “Wow, you’re a late bloomer.” (And I hadn’t even mentioned to them that I didn’t even believe that pre-marital sex was OK until I was a senior in high school, but more on that another time.) Damn, that is embarrassing, right? However, she made me feel better when she nodded sagely and added that I’m “just a one man cunt.” I like being the OMC. It makes me feel less like a nutjob from the conservative corner. (No conservative would ever proudly refer to herself as a “one man cunt,” despite the fact that a conservative is much more likely to actually be a cunt than I am.)Sometimes I wonder if my growth as an interesting liberal person was stunted since I never had any typical rights of passage. On the other hand, I guess it led me to start a blog about unshaved snatch and women’s sexuality, roommates and plushies, underwear trends and comfort, digestive issues and bathroom cleanliness, and other random commentary as I contemplate the world as an outsider, so I maybe the situation is not as dire as I worry.