There's a Hole in the Bucket, or The Art of the Shit Bucket Test

Before I launch into Part II of The Shit Bucket Test tomorrow, I should note that the test did not entail merely crapping into the bucket. No, that would be too easy and far less messy than what it really required. Since the official purpose of the test was to measure the amount of shit that a stressed digestive system would generate as well as how much undigested fat was crapped out, the bucket had to be kept free of urine.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I know that when I take a big shit, my bladder almost always lets loose at the same time. Hence, during the shit bucket test, the key to keeping piss out of the bucket (dear Liza, dear Liza) was to place plastic wrap between the toilet seat and the bowl. Then I crapped onto the plastic wrap. (You’d be surprised at how well plastic wrap clings to the sides of a toilet. I wonder why manufacturers of plastic wrap don’t publicize this use. The commercials would be hilarious.) To avoid peeing on the plastic wrap or poop, I tried as best as I could to piss in a plastic 16 ounce cup while shitting on plastic wrap. Challenging, but doable, I assure you. (Maybe a future Olympic sport?)

After I was done with my bowel eruption, I’d lift the toilet seat and very, very, very carefully transfer the doody from plastic sheet into the bucket. The danger, of course, is spilling shit on the floor, or worse, yourself. Doody transfer is a definite skill, let me assure you. I am quite good at it. Perhaps I should add it to my resume.