Thank Goodness I Am Not a Boy!

Since today is my sister’s birthday, I’ve been thinking about what it would be like to have a brother. That led to reflection on what life would be like if I were a boy instead of a girl.

While I truly believe that men have much easier lives than women, I am very glad that I am not male. First, I do not think I would like dragging around a penis and balls. They seem very clumsy hanging off a crotch. Not that it is easy carting around boobs (especially before I had my surgery, when they were 36DD+), but it seems like a good bra mostly takes care of the issue, and it is simple to strap the girls down onto your chest. Plus it is unfortunate if you get whacked in the titties, but much, much, much more painful to get your dick clobbered.

Also, if I were a guy, I’d probably have much less to bitch about. No period, no complaints there. No pressure to have kids and stay at home. Much less discrimination, particularly when it comes to how you look. Clothes and shoes are all practical for the most part. No need to wear make up. No or little worry about sexual assault. For all these reasons, I would definitely rather have a son than a daughter if I became insane and had kids. It is fucking hard to be a girl. OK, I understand that boys get pressured to be good at sports and ask girls out and shit like that, but being male overall seems to be a better deal. Hence less complaining, and so I am glad to be female.

Finally, if I had been a boy, I would have had the most retarded name ever, thus ensuring that I’d be mocked mercilessly from the start. (Yes, I was mocked as a girl, but only after I proved to be a dork with hairy arms in 3rd grade. As a boy, I believe it would’ve begun before anyone even met me.) My parents would have named me Steven Ira. Seriously, how fucking awful is that?!?!?! My sister would have also been poorly named: David Howard. As girls, we got good first names (Suzanne and Dana), Dana wound up with a decent middle name (Heather), and I got a stupid middle name (Ilana – that is ill-ANNA, thank you very much) which sounds like major white trash with Suzanne and if pronounced like ILL-ahna is at least a little better.

Yes, it is much, much better to be a girl, at least in the name department.