What do you do when you are really good at something – something that very few others excel at, even – and you kind of hate it? Worse, what happens when you are good at something that few others are and it is something that could benefit the public? Do you sacrifice your own happiness for the greater good? Also, aren’t you supposed to be happy when you do things that you are good at?
This is a big problem that has been plaguing me of late. OK, more than of late – I’ve probably been struggling with this issue for about two or three years. For as long as I can remember, I have been committed to working towards a better America for low income kids. I dropped out of Fordham Law School after only two days and attended grad school at Columbia instead to further my progress along this path. Ever since grad school, I worked to create more quality, affordable child care in New rk York City. Along the way, I developed highly specialized knowledge in child care facilities development and finance. People respect my thinking and ideas on the topic; my expertise. It is nice to be only 30 and be seen as an expert. At the same time, I also discovered that I really hate child care facilities and finance for a variety of reasons.
Sure, there are days and times when I am excited by what is going on and all the opportunities that seem to be cropping up of late. More often, however, I am just depressed by the moronic decisions, bureaucratic inertia, and general fear of change. Yet every time I am on the verge of walking away from it all, I find myself distraught. Who else will do this? I’m good at it, damn it, and these kids need all the support they can get, even if they never know that people like me are out there for them. There are some great people out there that I would miss working with, and what else could I do, anyway? It's not like I have a back-up career. The guilt and doubt kick in, and it kills me just as much as my general unhappiness in my field does.
Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.
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You're gonna have to stick it out, and find your happiness other ways. Do fun things after work and on weekends. Travel. Go to concerts. Hang with friends. Play Trivial Pursuit.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the same position. Except for the "benefitting the public" thing. I don't do that so much.
Dammit, the world needs you!
But of course if you di quit now, at least you can look back and say that you made a difference.
I imagine that the same expertise and skill set could be put to something more personally interesting to you. Something you love.
ReplyDeleteI have a weirdly statistical mind and I hate things like accounting, but somewhere (thankfully early) I figured out that this same mind was amazing studying the history of art, which I love more than anything.
You'll get there, and it will be glorious!
Enough is enough at this job already. You are very good at it (no doubt there) but you have been so unhappy for so long and and there are other ways to make a difference (volunteer to be a mentor, for example). When you hate what you are doing, you are not really helping anyone and only hurting yourself.
ReplyDeleteSorry Super Des, but I am forced to disagree with you. You spend so much time at work that if you are truly unhappy, it affects the rest of your life. There are things to miss about every job, but if you stay out of guilt you will never feel fufilled. Its time to leave!
ReplyDeletesara - I know that only too well. That's the life I am living. Unitl you can leave your job to become fully happy, you still need to make the best of a bad situation. If we could all quit our jobs the minute we hated them, we would.
ReplyDeleteIf one is in a postition to quit their unhappiness (Suzanne!) then by all means do it. You have to weigh the options of current unhappiness vs. future regret as to what will be done and how you could do it better.
Suz, I hope you can quit, be happy in life, and never look back at what you devoted a major part of your life to.
Yes, thank you everyone for being so supportive. It's not that I can't quit, but that I feel guilty about not using all this shit in my head to do some good in the world. That is what annoys me so much. And it is leading me to apply for another job in the same field that I know that I will also hate, but for some reason, I can't stop myself from doing it. I figure it can't hurt to have an interview, and if I can tell that I will be as miserable as I think I would be, I'll just not take it and hopefully be OK with giving up a chance to finally implement some good policies...
ReplyDeleteIf you do it well, it may be your destiny - and somehow you just think you are unhappy doing it, like a love - hate relationship.
ReplyDeleteBut again, I could be wrong.
Destiny - that is exactly the reason I feel guilty about not wanting to do it, like I am defying my destiny. Who knows? We'll see what happens.
ReplyDeletewell, these foundations were started by someone. so, if you feel yourself pulled back in, perhaps you need to get your contacts together and start your own company/foundation/non-profit to do what you are already doing. no one else's bullshit to contend with... if it is even remotely possible/plausable, do it.
ReplyDeleteby the way, writing changes the world as well.
dianne
I've had similar feelings during my years in "public service" jobs. But barring accidents, you have many years ahead of you. You don't have to spend every single one of those years in a full-time job that directly benefits society's most vulnerable. Do something else for now. You can always go back to it later if you want to. And the organization you leave will figure out a way to manage.
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