Yesterday evening, I was feeling very down in the dumps. Thanksgiving was over, my sister went home, I had nothing going on with my writing, I missed seeing a movie with Des because I felt like shit, and I still felt like shit. I spent some time reading the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, which is about inspiration, when, ironically, inspiration hit.
Wedged between the pages of the uninspiring article on how inspiring Gwen Stefani is was an ad for TELEVISION’S SEXIEST NIGHT! VICTORIA’S SECRET FASHION SHOW, which will be on CBS on Tuesday, December 5th at 10/9C. At first, I was a bit cheered up because the model (Giselle, I think) pictured is wearing last year’s Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra. I’m not sure if they will be attempting to hawk it again this year since my research (calling the Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Gifts Hotline) last year indicated that no one bought it, or if they will unveil a new obscene waste of human and natural resources this year at the show. Either way, I thought I could get some mileage out of this insanity again this year, which pleased me.
As the night wore on, I thought more about the fashion show in general and how much I loathe it. Steve Holt’s objections regarding my article on porn, “Men who view porn enter long-term relationships… with expectations that their significant other simply cannot meet…” seem much more applicable to the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show than they do to porn. First, not that I am a connoisseur of porn, but not every woman who appears in a flick or picture is surgically enhanced or perfect. There is a fairly wide assortment of body types, some unrealistic, and some more like every day women. This is not the case for Victoria’s Secret models, as they are all at least 6 feet tall and weigh 110-125 lbs., then get the shit air brushed out of them. How does this make for realistic expectations for anyone? Also, anyone with a TV can watch these “angels” prance about in skimpy lingerie on network TV. Porn is not quite as accessible.
What sort of protest could I launch this year? I was inclined to take some pictures of myself in Victoria’s Secret underwear and compare my real, lumpy body to those the show and catalogue, but Husband reminded me that there was a reason that I recruited Theo and the Giant Stuffed Penis to do my dirty work in the past. (See: December 2005 and January 2006 archives for photos.) It’s a terrible idea to put pictures of myself in my undies on the net, even to make an Important Feminist Point that Limited Numbers of People Will See.
I pondered a bit. What if I bought a body stocking and stuffed it to my exact measurements, thus enabling “me” to model my underwear, but not actually model my underwear? I liked it. I liked it a lot. However, stuffing something to my specifications seems tricky. The drawback is potential deformity, thus less realism. Perhaps a plaster of paris mold of my torso would work better? The benefit of a plaster of paris mold is greater accuracy, with a drawback of less realism. (Underwear won’t cause flab to bulge out, as nothing will be soft, and boobs can’t get lifted by a bra.)
Advice, please! I know that many of you are very crafty, creative, and handy. What would you recommend?
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damn. i wish i lived in NY. i would come over and we could do a duct tape mannequin of you.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.taunton.com/Threads/pages/t00002.asp
there are also other ways to make a diy dress form. mamapajama made one recently for herself using foam or some sort...
duct tape seems the way to go as it is fairly cheap.
excelletn idea. will you leave the form headless?
hmmm. but getting the proper cushyness with the duct tape might be hard. or not... not having done it i am unsure.
ReplyDeletethe foam way seemed way to complicated...
damn. i want to make one now!
well i have used the plater rolls they use for casts plenty of times in the past to make molds of body parts. you need to apply vasoline first so it won't stick, ouch. and, if you do your torso. i would do it in halves. front first then back, to make it more managable. i can help you. i can explain further details.
ReplyDeletesorry plaster rolls. it is early
ReplyDeleteHmmm...as you know, I am not crafty. But I am TOTALLY with you on the Victoria's Secret madness-I can't even tell you have freakin' sick I am of the Very Sexy commercial already. So whatever I can do to help or support, let me know!!! I would even consider doing it myself, if possible-I think my post-baby stomach pouch would be particularly nice under a thong...
ReplyDeleteAnd regarding Steve Holt, I tend to think that men are way more forgiving and accomodating than he seems to think they are. If a man loves his significant other, he can and will put her into his own internal porn movie (not sure if that makes sense, but hopefully you know what I mean).
I happen to agree with your article, too-we need more good porn instead of rejecting it all out of hand. I think the rise of female-produced porn is a great step in the right direction.
Is there a way to get the archive photos to show up?
ReplyDeleteDuct tape, some sort of frame, and water baloons.
ReplyDeleteI can hardly wait. And on another tangential point and VS. This is a company predicated on selling bras and underwear. Yet they NEVER have cute bras in my size 36DD. I am in need of cute bras and I need them for gravitational purposes. Fredericks as schmaltzy as they are has them, Macys does, Nordstrom, Needless Markup (aka Neiman Marcus). Not VS though. And if you are going to charge $40 + for a bra make one that doesn't fall apart. I vote for modeling those weird keyhole butt panties from the most recent catalog. Seeing as I have a flat and flabby ass, my crack doesn't hit where the stupid hole is dammitt! Well hope you are feeling better...
ReplyDeleteCouldja somehow put the Victoria's crap on a cartoon body and do a little animation? Or maybe stick a head - Madonna, George Bush - on an undies-clad body? Do you know any men who might model?
ReplyDeleteAll of those Victoria pod women have humungous breasts (that stand unnaturally erect) and otherwise slim bodies. It looks rather strange. It surprises me that they don't have any DD bras. False advertising!
Last sugegesstion: do you know any dogs? Big dogs? I knew a crazy guy who put undies on his dog when she was in heat. It didn't look half-bad.
Whoa, my last suggesstuggion looks like I'ma wee bit tired. Hope you feel bedda soon.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I got laughed at by the VS saleslady when looking for wedding undergarments before I had the reduction. I was PISSED. I don't know about how to model them, but I've been anxiously waiting all day to read the comments.
ReplyDeleteI'll admit - I do shop at VS. Their bras fir my nice average-sized breasts and the stuff lasts a while. I haven't actually paid for anything there in a long long time because they keep sending me coupons for free underpants. But I do agree about the unrealistic expectations they create.
ReplyDeleteI'll totally help with the model-making too.
Oh, I buy things there, too. I just look nothing like the models do in their products. Nothing.
ReplyDeleteWhat about a proxy? Could you have someone else do a stand-in for you? No, I'm not volunteering!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had a brilliant notion, though I think the best would be a photo essay of lots of real women wearing their stuff. Recently we past a VS window and TGF said "you would look SO hot in that". I am FAR from their ideal size at 5 foot nothing, wear about a size 14 and my flab just hangs off but TGF still thinks I'm the hottest thing since sliced bread - a true keeper she is. Just last night I saw the commercial and had a short rants about it with TGF. If I were visiting my homeland (NYC), I just might help you out with a photo spread - and I'm shy - that's how strongly I feel about this stuff.
ReplyDelete