The Conspiracy Against Unshaved Snatch

I figured out why my gym will be torn down come October (which, incidentally, I only found out on accident – no official word from the gym to its members at all).  It seems to be a punishment for the significant decrease in members using the gym’s spa for bikini and Brazilian waxes.  The chain already has one location with shaggy, unkempt women members and can’t spoil its reputation as trendy by letting another one become full of women who resemble mature adults.  The horror!  The horror!

I unraveled this diabolical plot against unshaved snatch this afternoon while in the locker room.  I had completed a 40 minute run and was sweating my balls off, which I discovered a few months ago is the perfect time to get all the earwax out of my ears.  (I guess being hot and sweaty melts it down a bit.)  So I was standing around using some generic Q-Tips that are available for free (!) in the locker room when I noticed several women getting dressed.  These women had some seriously untamed bush.  I wanted to congratulate them on their unshaved snatches, but realized that could jeopardize my membership, and thus celebrated quietly in my head instead.  (I also observed a woman getting ready for her workout by putting on stretch pants while wearing no underwear.  Fuck that is gross.)

Anyway, it became obvious to me that the solution devised by the company that recently bought my gym chain is to stop the hairy insanity by tearing down the gym and building luxury condos.  When the gym reopens in the new building, the people who used to work out there will all belong to the JCC gym across the street (where hairy folks belong, I guess) and the new members will all be super rich fuckfaces who would never dream of not going nearly or completely bare in their nether regions.  It’s about as evil a plot as anything Dick Cheney or Donald Rumsfeld (who went to my high school, by the way – isn’t that disturbing that one institution can produce a person of pure evil and also a crazy liberal like me?) can think up.  Is there nothing that can be done to stop it?