Queen Kong and Friends

I am fucking sick and tired of King Kong, particularly of the glowing reviews Naomi Watts has received for believably playing a woman who falls in love with the scary ginormous gorilla that kidnapped her at some point.  Worse, if I hear one more fucking comment about “beauty taming the beast,” I swear to god that I will stick my finger down my throat and puke directly onto said speaker.  (Unfortunately, I tend to read this comment more than hear it spoken by live people I am engaged in conversation with, so the threat is not only empty, but sure to make a big smelly mess out of whatever magazine in which I happen to be reading said comment.)  I can’t even describe how much that shit creeps me out.

You know what I think would make a rockin’ movie?  A female ginormous gorilla kidnaps some hot guy (like, say, Jake Gyllenhaal or Matt Damon) and he falls in love with her, although even that does not tame the savage rage that the gorilla feels towards the fucked up sexist, racist, and classist society that she lives in, and she convinces the hottie to move with her to a deserted island where they can start their own damn country and live free from the obnoxious constraints of “civilization” as we know it.  Now that would be some entertaining shit!

On the other hand, I’d even settle for a movie where a hot guy (like, say, Matt Damon or Jake Gyllenhaal) falls for an ugly woman.  Not the type of ugly woman that is usually in movies who is only ugly until she takes her glasses off, combs her hair a bit, and throws on some makeup.  No, I mean an ugly woman who is truly fugly.  Or even just a regular old, size 12 wearing woman who maybe has a bit of a mustache that she doesn’t bleach or wax.  His fratboy-hottie friends (like, say, Ben Affleck) are all shitheads about it, but the guy decides that he should ignore them and get some new friends who understand that fugly or normal woman can make awesome girlfriends/wives just by being themselves.

Who’s with me here?