Is That a Sand Castle in Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

My friend P. went on vacation to Miami Beach and sent me the following report:

sunday night we decided to go to Niki Beach, which is a club at the tip of south beach right on the beach.  this was the one that was highly recommended by one of the liver transplant fellows, one of our co-worker's brothers, and deena's sister.  we got in for free with a pass from the hotel concierge.  anyway, the place was full of way too young people. i think the average age range was 17-23, except for a few skeezy old men.  the more disturbing thing was the fact that in the outside area of the club, instead of chairs there were mattresses on the sand, and a few of them on the sides were inside tents, for those people who felt that hooking up in public was too much...  so as none of us felt the need to have sex with a 17 year old on a mattress in the sand, we went home...

Wow, it is so nice of the club to take into consideration the various needs of people’s semi-public romps on the beach.  The mattresses sound gross, though.  Not that I think that hooking up on the beach is a good idea to begin with, but I can understand why it appeals to others.  How much more romantic can it get than to snuggle between a blanket or towel while the water laps gently at your feet and the stars shine above?  Aside from the possibility of voyeurs (which is a big turn on for some) or being arrested for public indecency (Which obviously the club is trying to help people avoid), the beach strikes me as a horrible place to have sex, as it is full of sand.  Think about the last time you were at a beach.  By the time you left, there was sand everywhere.  No matter how hard you tried to get it off before going home, you inevitably continued to find sand on your body and your things (towel, bag, shows, etc.) for days, if not weeks, afterwards.  I am struck with horror to think about all the special crevices and cracks that sand wends its way into during passionate sex on the beach.  The thought of digging sand out of my ass is enough to make me become celibate.