Someone fabulous* forwarded these pictures to me, and I almost spit water all over my monitor when I saw them. My spit take was a combination of guffawing and the urge to puke from all the airbrushing on these pictures. Not only does it make the model look like she's as smooth as a newborn, but she should clearly eat a few of the candies instead of wearing them.
Later that evening while I was at the gym, I saw February’s Esquire, which had a handy gift giving guide to lingerie just in time for Valentine’s Day. Some lingerie “expert” (and what the fuck is that? I wear underwear too – am a lingerie expert?) said that most women wear thongs, and guys should feel good about giving one to their ladies. The expert said to find one with a narrower band in the ass for comfort. How thoughtful. The cover picture had this insanity from Victoria’s Secret, which has a ginormous ass bow (slightly obscured by the textbox over it):
I was shocked – shocked! – that the candy undies were not included. I guess they are not nearly as classy as the giant bow thong featured as a good gift. (It is kind of cute, but how does one sit while wearing this? I just don’t understand. What happened to worrying about your lady’s comfort?) Another perfect Valentine's Day gift overlooked by Esquire:
The candy pasties totally are hilarious. Crap, I’m tempted to run over to Condomania and drop $9.95 on them myself. I have no idea what I would do with candy pasties, but they are just too good to pass up, you know?
*(Many thanks – I hope to send you something from this fine collection for your Wak Candy Museum, which sounds great.)
Random thoughts:
ReplyDeleteMy husband doesn't like sweets.
Real people's thighs touch. (Sorry, I know I already need to apologize to those naturally skinny ectomorph women that try and try to gain weight and just can't.)
Where does the big butt bow go under your pants?
The Queer Eye guys just told a guy not to buy his woman a thong when buying lingerie. I don't know why I trust gay guys more than Esquire, but I do.
And finally -- I gotta give them points on the narrower band -- the whole point of a thong (well, besides the lack of panty lines) is the reduction of wedgie discomfort. I know some will disagree with me, but for some reason no matter WHAT I wear, it's going straight up my ass crack. Therefore, boy shorts are the worst (they deposit the most fabric in my crack), bikinis are second, and thongs are least bad!
Wait -- the g-string, with the skinnny skinny piece? Actually those are the worst, because they get RIGHT IN THERE and saw up and down with their razor-sharp rickrack. And you can't get them out with a subtle pluck of the forefinger, either -- you have to reach all the way inside your pants and carefully extricate it.
hahaha. omg! the ass bow!
ReplyDeleteyou know what i want to do... in the vien of "manites" is tkae some of my husbands boxer briefs and sew huge bows to the ass.
i think it will be a really cute suprise for him on valentines day.
also, why do they have 12 year boys with no dicks modeling womens thongs. that's just weird and wrong.
So, I am guessing you need to eat the candy right away before it gets...soggy? Ewww. And then you just have ugly nylon panties without the candy gimmick, unless there is a way to "refill" them. I think I'm overanalyzing this one...
ReplyDeleteAlthough, they would be fun for an adult-themed Halloween trick-or-treat party. :-)
Go, Minnie! Get out your needle and thread. That is too fucking funny. I was also horrified at the space between those women's (or 12 year-old dickless boys') legs. When I was in early high school, we called that the "gap" and insisted that only girls who were whores had it because one got the "gap" from too much sex. Ahhh, the infinite wisdom of the slightly post-pubescent.
ReplyDelete