Advice for the Upcoming Elections - Don't Fuck It Up, Please

Today is primary day here in New York, and I’m concerned about the next few elections. Supposedly, the race in November is for the Democrats to lose, but we all know how they excel at that these days. For the love of the Constitution and all that remains working in our pseudo-democarcy these days, I am begging the Democrats to get off their high horses and go back to cheating on Election Day. In the good old days, both parties engaged in fraud and malfeasance, and the party who did it better “won” the election.

As recently as 1960 (crap, was that really almost 50 years ago already?), crafty Democrats in Chicago way outmaneuvered sneaky Republicans in the southern part of Illinois, and Kennedy was thus the victor. These days, Republicans just get their friends at Diebold to manufacture voting machines so that no matter who you vote for, you vote for a Republican. An independent investigation into the 2004 Presidential election results from Cuyahoga County (Cleveland, OH) revealed that the computer codes in the voting machines had serious anomalies and security gaps. Plus, Republicans had their little lackey Secretary of State to ensure that absentee ballots didn’t count unless you basically used pure silver ink on 14k gold paper, or voted Republican.

Where is our can-do spirit on the Democratic side? Sure, we all know that we can’t rely on the so-called “liberal media,” since conservatives invented it to scare idiots into not reading the news, and then the actual media conglomerates began producing nothing worthwhile anyway. Still, I am sure there are some industrious minds and willing hands and wallets out there. Get to it! Trying to play “fair” and “be honest” is a fucking waste of time.