Yesterday I was chatting up my pal Sara on the phone, and the conversation drifted to pumpkin pie flavored ice cream. As Sara excellently and hilariously recaps, this led to her revealing that one should never make a pie crust without making an extra one to set aside for an “emergency.” I thought this was the funniest advice I ever heard. To begin with, who the fuck even makes pie crusts? If I haven’t bought a pre-baked pie to begin with, then the odds are high that the pie I am making involves a pre-made graham cracker crust and Jell-O mixed with Cool-Whip. (Once I made a very fancy sweet potato pie with a spiced graham nut crust for a recipe contest I entered during my recipe-contest-entering-phase in early 2004, but I’ll never make that messy mistake again.)
My mother’s sage advice tended toward the more practical. Once when I was 17, I asked her why she cared if my boyfriend came to our house when no adults were home, she narrowed her eyes, leaned close to me, and conspiratorially whispered, “Boys have penises.” Yes, thanks. By the time I was in high school, I had figured that out. The funny part is that she assumed that the penis would not be used in a consensual way because I could not possibly be interested in pre-marital sex, but that I might get raped if she allowed me to be alone with my boyfriend. I know that she was looking out for me, but I can’t help but be bemused by her old fashioned outlook on life.
Other wisdom my mom proffered was to be sure that my underwear had no holes in them, lest I be involved in some sort of dangerous accident and need to be rushed to the hospital, where people would see my embarrassing drawers. In this instance, I suspect that the last thing on my mind would being mortified that a paramedic or doctor would see my ratty undies. Plus, if I am rushed to the ER with horrid injuries, they are only going to cut the clothes off my bloody mangled body anyway. Why waste a good pair of underwear in that situation?
Once when I was a fat freaky teenager, my dad advised me to lose some weight, wear make-up, and dress normally, as it would probably help me land a boyfriend. Needless to say, this wisdom (which I mentioned earlier this summer in another post) did not go over well with me. I know that my dad was only trying to help – he was being very earnest -but shit. That was harsh.
What great advice did you receive from the guiding adults in your life?
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No one gave me much advice because they knew I was so bad at taking it. Which is why I am such a mess now, LOL.
ReplyDeleteI asked my boss for advice on how to tackle my first project and she said: You've got to get organized and stay organized. That was her whole advice. Wow, thanks for stating the obvious.
I forgot in my post to mentioned the best advise ever. My friend's grandmother's dying advice to her granddaughter was "If you become a lesbian, you will end up with a mouthful of pussy hair"
ReplyDeleteHaving grown up as one of those "Jehovie proselytizers" you mentioned in your last post, I definitely received some interesting messages from those who were supposedly helping me guide my life. A couple of months ago, I was taking a look at one of their texts that I still have around the house. It was a book called "Questions Young People Ask, Answers that Work". Here's a few gems that you might find funny:
ReplyDeleteIn one chapter about what a person can do to get rid of feelings of depression it says,
"Set realistic goals: If you always shoot for the stars, you can suffer bitter disappointment. Set goals that are attainable. How about learning a skill such as typing?"
Yeah, I'll be sure to pass that one along to my daughter because really there's no point in aspiring to accomplish something that might be kind of difficult to attain. Pssshhh!!
Also, there's this one:
"A 'platonic' friendship is often little more than a thinly disguised romance or a way to get attention from someone of the opposite sex without commitment."
So when my friend tells me that some guy is her friend, I should assume that they are probably sleeping together or working towards it, at least. Hmmm! I'm not so sure my friends would appreciate me making those sorts of assumptions.
Oh well! Thanks for making me laugh with this post. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who received more than their fair share of bogus "words of wisdom".
No, thank you, Bint Alshamsa! The wisdom you imparted is far beyond priceless. I love it! I shall wear some underwear with holes in it in your honor.
ReplyDeleteI left all my good advice on Sara's blog . . . .
ReplyDeleteMy mom told me that underwear thing too. I'm sure there were lots of other gems, but I can't think right now. My advice: never think.
ReplyDeleteI don't recall making the penis comment at all. It doesn't sound like my style.
ReplyDeleteI do remember, however, telling you and a bunch of your friends in mixed company not to have an orgy.That's my style!
I know I have a faulty/incomplete memory, but trust me on this one, mom. You definitely said that to me. (I was whining and bitching about why John Bob could not come over while no one else was home.) To be fair, it was not so much advice as it was commentary. Still, I find it funny.
ReplyDelete