Friday, September 29, 2006

He Just Seems Normal

A few years ago, I bought a fresh lobster. Before I threw it in a pot of boiling water, which made me feel nervous and guilty, I did some research on the internet. I heard that lobsters scream while they are bring boiled to death, which made sense to me because I am pretty sure that I’d be yelling my fucking head off if the situation were reversed and I was thrown alive into a pot of boiling water by a human-eating band of lobsters. I hoped this was not going to happen. Screaming dying things ruin my appetite, and I paid $12 for my dinner.

My research indicated that lobsters had no nervous systems and thus felt no pain. As for the screaming, nothing was mentioned. Common sense would indicate, however, that of course, lobsters don’t scream, as lobsters don’t have vocal cords. Whew! I set the pot aboil, put the cooked lobster in the fridge, and the next night had myself a fine meal.

Husband, however, tried to torment me about my murderous ways. First, he insisted that he saw the lobster’s ghost haunting our refrigerator. Then, a letter from the lobster’s mother mysteriously arrived in our mailbox. “Henrietta the Lobster” heard through the seaweed vine that I ate her son, and she wanted me to know what he had been liked before he was snatched by a lobsternapper from the ocean floor and delivered into my killer’s hands. I noticed that despite a return address of “Under the Sea,” the handwriting looked suspiciously like Husband’s, although he denied knowing anything about it.

The next time I mention one of my zany plans or shenanigans I recently engaged in and you feel sorry for Husband, think about this story. We are a perfectly matched couple.

7 comments:

  1. okay, that confirms it. you really do remind me of julie powell. i just finished reading 'julie & julia' this week.

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  2. My husband worked in seafood, and he use to have to microwave the lobsters for the customers to kill them so that when they took them home they wouldnt have to deal with the screaming.

    They dont scream, but in the microwave they convulse and twitch alot. He says they have personalities and you can see their little souls when you look into their eyes. So sad.

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  3. They don't scream. The air whistles as it heats up and eascapes their shells. And they have to have nervous systems, because they can move of their own accord. But I'm a vegetarian, so i don't have to deal with this.

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  4. Yay for husband being a wierdo.

    Yay for being a vegetarian, and like Des, not having to deal with it.

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  5. Count, we would get along great. Too bad I didn't meet you til after I moved out of that city.

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