Congrats! You're an asshole!

That is the brilliant message on the front of the multi-colored card I am holding. It also says, "Now let's discuss why that is." Flip the card over and it says, "Assholes rarely know why they are the way they are, so here's a clue for you on your journey to self-improvement." A checklist with at least 20 items is included for convenience.

[Before I say how such a delightful product wound up in my greedy little hands, I have to note that despite my prior claim to undergoing a breast reduction surgery a few years ago to conform to every American male's red-blooded right to behold a woman's perky breasts, it seems not to have worked. Seriously, this is one overall unflattering picture of my mid-section! I love the hair, though, and my sweater. So who cares?]

Anyway, Steph gave me about 20 of these cards for the holidays last year. (No, she did not fill them out before giving them to me.) She always gives the best gifts. I really need to start carrying them around and handing them out as I encounter assholes on my daily roundabouts. Seeing people's reactions would be fun.

For everyone else out there who is not an asshole, happy September 1!