Catherine the Great, the Empress of Russia from 1762 to 1796, had a voracious sexual appetite and was way ahead of her time in demanding that it be sated. It is a fallacy (snigger) that Catherine died while having sex with a horse when the horse fell on her, but her adoration of huge dicks is well documented. Her two most trusted court ladies were expected to audition lovers for Catherine, passing on only the biggest and most satisfying cocks for her to enjoy. Catherine figured out ways to accommodate the giants in her average sized vagina, but not without health risks. At least one lover had a penis so huge that it fucked around her cervix and banged the uterus directly. Her physician eventually had to ban Catherine from having sex with men like this because of the internal damage it caused.
Despite Catherine’s experience, I’d never thought about the potential upset that happens when people who want to get it on discover that one size does not fit all. I was minding my own business reading Entertainment Weekly one day a few years ago when my friend Steph called. I knew she had some juicy gossip because she started cackling evilly the moment that I got on the phone. It seems that Stella’s friend Maggie started dating this (creepy) guy who had a ginormous cock. I thought that would please Maggie, but she told Steph that she was worried because Ned preferred women with “big vaginas” since he was so impossibly humongous. Maggie herself had a small vagina and preferred men with small dicks because they didn’t painfully bump her cervix as much during sex. Could they be compatible, or would her small vagina not accommodate enough of his immense schlong, causing irreparable blue balls and the end of the relationship?
They did break up eventually, but I don’t think that it was due to the genital size mismatch directly. (It was because he was caught fucking his ex in the ass in the shower. My guess is that Ned’s ex’s ass was no larger than Maggie’s vagina, hence the smallness of her orifice could not even be used as a pathetic excuse for him to cheat on her.) The important point is that until Maggie confided in Steph, and Steph shared it with me (and possibly everyone else she knew because she hated Ned and doubted that his dick was anywhere near as big as he claimed), I hadn’t given a lot of thought to size. Thus, I suppose that size does matter, but not in the way that people usually assume.
I hope that this conclusion will be widely adopted by men, and that will then stop the enormous amount of junk mail that I receive from spammers informing me that I can “enlarge my penis” with their product. As I said ages ago, I am very happy with the size of my penis, thank you very much.
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Speaking of sex in Moscow, Mad Monk Rasputin was known to be oversexed and kept a several ladies who lived his home happy. When someone asked his wife about such behavior she said something to the effect that he "had enough to go around."
ReplyDeleteI bet more men would get over the whole "my dick is bigger than your dick, and his dick, and HIS dick" thing if they realised how difficult it is for blow jobs to be performed on super-sized (or at least extra wide) schlongs. Seriously! On the other hand, a fella I once had relations with was SO small that erect, he was about the size of a tampon. So size does matter a little bit, at least for me. As for breast size, when I was younger, my father told me (the pre-breasted me) that sure, teen boys might want big "tits," but that when older, most men wouldn't want a woman "who'd be hanging down to her kneecaps by the time she hot 35." So my dad, at least, was not obsessed with large breasts . . . .
ReplyDeleteI had a friend who had a guy tell her "tell me when it hurts" hahahaha
ReplyDeleteI like the happy medium. You have to be able to feel it, but in a way that doesn't cause funny walking and soreness. Anyone who doesn't fit into a normal vagina (one way or the other) is losing at Survival of the Fittest. Their genes should have died out long ago. Maybe it's a mutation trying to win out, but luckily I don't think it involves the X chromosome.
ReplyDeleteBig vaginas definetely don't get enough press. I've been saying for years that it's not all about penis size. Vagina size plays an extremely important role! I will not sign this post with my name, but you can refer to me as "gigantor"
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, you are way too funny. I can only imagine the google hits you get. This can only help...or hurt, depending on your perspective.
ReplyDeleteMr. Stapler does a reverse-size joking thing with his male friends, saying things like, "Yeah, when she gets a look at my four inches, she won't be able to resist..." It always causes them to bust up laughing because it is so unexpected.
I was engaged once to a guy who was, to put it lightly, hung like a [insert whatever large adjective you like here]. Before him, I had no idea that penises grew that big. The first time I saw him naked my first thought was, "That is going to go inside me? I don't think so."
ReplyDeleteWe only had sex twice even though we were engaged for a little less than a year. I do give him credit for being conscious of the ginormity of his *coughcough* instrument and he did everything he could to make me feel comfortable, but nothing worked. He was so large that both times we had sex, my perenium (the piece of skin bw the vagina and the anus) tore and bled. I thought, "Jesus, I really didn't want an episiotomy out of this."
We didn't break up because of the differential in size of our genitalia, but because he met someone else, married her within a month of breaking up with me, and then moved into an apartment right across the street from me. Suffice it to say he was considerate as possible in bed, but not so considerate at the end of our relationship.
On a side note: I'm really glad I found this blog. I just love it.