Why I Did Not Ever Date You: Another Expose of My Fetishes

People are always blathering after meeting and rejecting a potential partner, justifying their decisions by saying things like, “Oh so-and-so is just not my type.” Fine, whatever. You can’t help who you are attracted to. I always thought that I didn’t have a “type,” but I’m wrong. I just have a very strange type.

First and foremost, if a guy is not witty, brainy (a.k.a “nerdy”), and politically savvy (i.e. – not a conservative), I am not very interested. Sure, I’ll stare at someone who is stereotypically hot for hours on end, but for the most part, I don’t waste much time pining for the Tom Cruises of the world.

Next, it helps to have any of the following characteristics: a big nose, red hair, height of 6’2”, and/or trombone playing skills. If you want to win over my heart and loins, you don’t need all of them, but looking back on my (lackluster) romantic history, these features play a prominent role. Other than Husband (who is 5’9” and does not play the trombone, but has a cute prominent proboscis and red hair), I only dated guys who were 6’2”. It just worked out that three young men who happened to be 6’2” somehow wound up in a relationship with me. Of those three, one had red hair, and two played the trombone. It is almost like a fetish. None of them had big noses, although many of my unrequited crushes did (Alex was cruelly referred to by idiots at my high school as “Gonzo,” and the aforementioned Jeremy who I watched Hunter with over the phone, had quite the schnozz, - oddly, both were blond, but I digress) and if Adrian Brody is not sexy as hell, I don’t know who is.

So, if you happen to be a guy who ever had a crush on me (unlikely, certainly) and it didn’t work out, now you know why.